At this moment, I am pumping milk while Tommy, Lucy, and Thomas are all taking a nap. I've been on edge for several weeks because my life has not felt at all like my own. But I had one of those step back and take it in moments.
Usually, these scenes would stress me out. Maybe they don't right now because I have all three napping and it's peaceful and calm...as it usually is this time of day. Before and after is hectic and maddening, and I don't feel I ever handle it well. I constantly hear this doesn't last forever, they grow up so fast, etc. I appreciate that idea and most of the time brace myself and say yup I know. I've never been one to be ocd. Anxiety and depression (though never chronic, thank heaven) were friends of mine for a time and have tried to establish connection again because I again didn't feel I was handling anything well.
A few things that have helped in moments. The Lord told me I have a unique and specific personality for my kids and vice versa. He essentially told me also that emphasizing how inadequate or unnatural I feel at this doesn't help, nor is it true. It's the hardest calling I've ever been given. One that doesn't truly end though it has lots of successful moments.
He also told me I'm not going to receive more help because I've been given what I need, and just need eyes to see it. Looking at my successes also helps. When all I see is Lil miss sad and irritating because I can't play with her or she doesn't listen I feel awful. When I'm stuck pumping every 5 hours and not able to hold Tommy that really stresses me out..or the prospect that I will not always produce enough, or that I constantly have to drink water and think of what I eat...essentially, that my body is not my own more now than when I was pregnant..I get stressed out. I get snappy. I feel doomed. It makes me want to get formula and throw the towel in. I'm hanging on as long as I can though because I see a difference in his weight and health.
I also see that we live in a close knit neighborhood and the kids all play together and we adults all talk to each other...very old fashioned idea but I love that. I see that I have a good handful of regular willing helpers to hold Tommy, play with Lucy, or simply just let me rant.
As best as I can I want to look past the trees in the forest and instead be in a plane overviewing the whole mountain.
