I had a family member tell me they don't think I'm happy where I am in life. With my house, kids, whatever. Truth be told they're kind of right. But not in the way you think.
This is my humble view point. Not doctrine. Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints I live by the Plan of Happiness. The gist is it's a plan our Father in Heaven created for us to be happy. What I think we overlook is part of that plan is this life is lone and dreary much of the time. It's regularly full of challenges. But it also has a lot of happy moments. In high school, I didn't have the same responsibilities I do now. I could hang with my friends after chores were done and did all the time. We had a riot. Now I have a house with kids toys all over the place, with a line of books strewn perfectly and methodically placed under all the clothes lil miss and mr snuggles wear all the time. I'm eating the left-over turkey and blueberries and added my own cheese and crackers to my daughters lunch. I have books under my feet, balloons strewn about with plastic balls accompanying them. After I write this, I'm going to be smart of nap the same time as my kids.
I look around right now and I'm happy. I smile. But 20 minutes ago I was chasing my near 3 year old around corraling her to her bedroom for her nap, then swaddling a tired 5 month old and having to tell my brother, not to be rude, but I gotta cut you off and get kids down.
We live in Utah. Not our favorite choice. But we know this is where the Lord put us. We've had a lot of growing opps and I'm sure more to come. The people we have here have been angels. Lil miss knows the Wasatch area better than most adults with a smart phone. She also can't connect to go potty before you wet your pants, not after. But that's just the stage I'm in. It's glorious but not glamorous. For me, often it's grueling. But I've taken up sewing and feel really excited about it. I use every cupboard and drawer and dish and mostly all our clothes all the time. Marie Kondo....I've been living your lifestyle before it was popular lol.
But honestly, motherhood is like digging ditches for fence posts in the middle of rural Texas. Often it's hard back breaking, soul questioning "I want to go home and rethink my life" from Star Wars kind of work. You get dirty. REally dirty. But you look up and you see some wild life...pun intended...is that a pun?? You see some cool landscape. You feel a breeze of air. And when the job is done, eventually.........................which it probably never is because posts get old and break or ...you get the point. You have a fence. It keeps the things you love protected. It gave you boundaries, and duty for all that time.
MY pay off for motherhood is not all the time right now. I get more sleep than my husband some times. Sometimes I get no sleep and I become Dr. Jekyl Mr. Hyde. But when Lil Miss knows all the words to Book of Mormon stories, Lion King, and runs to someone who is crying to comfort them...it pays off. Later in life when I can pillow talk about boys and help her see she doesn't need a phone to be happy...in fact, people and interacting with family are already her preferred activities anyway...that will be a pay off. When she goes to the temple to do baptisms for the first time singing I love to see the temple, I went inside today.....that will be a pay off. She takes everyone's dishes to the sink after every meal, says please and thank you and you're welcome, and stacks her crackers perfectly before she eats them. Those are pay offs. Am I on low-dose anti-anxiety meds? yes. But I also use a middle grade inhaler because we can eat the air here...just a different treatment for a different problem.
Bottom line- This life was not intended to be happy all the time. I agree with my friend Cassie, that no one is in love with their kids, job, spouse, or situation all the time. I believe that would be counter-productive...watch pursuit of happiness..I hated that movie because it was depressing. Especially on Christmas day. But later I found the wisdom in it. Crap happens in life. You cry. You break down....but you learn what makes you break and how to be better. I believe the Savior's grace is not always in the form of relief. Some times it's understanding.
Motherhood is something I was always afraid I wouldn't be good at. I am good at it. I don't always like it. My kind of vacation is being a tourist, eating out at awesome cool yummy places, and getting kicked out of places for being ridiculous...those things make memories. Right now, vacation is going places and seeing people I desperately miss. And that's ok. I'm happy.
