So when we went to Disneyland 6 years ago I asked my husbands family which disney princess I would be and instantly his brother Philip replied Sleeping Beauty. I love sleep. I don't take naps usually but I love my sleep at night. That being said I didn't realize how important it was for me personally until this week. You go through being woken up a lot with a newborn and I hear of kids who don't sleep at all and boy I just can't even imagine. But the kids would sleep this week but I couldn't because I got the worse sinus congestion I've ever had. I would blow and blow and blow my nose and still it won't stop. I can't smell even the strongest things like bleach, peppermint, eucalyptus, dirty diapers. So it's blessing to not smell the bad...but to not be able to breathe...oh man. EUREKA!! I can breathe through my nose for the first time in 5 days! 5 Looooooong days of no sleep because breathing through my mouth dried me out, which caused chapped lips and dry air that made me cough til I choked to death for hours on end.
I was doing really well with the anti-anxiety meds, but put no sleep on top of not being able to breathe plus hearing everyone is your house cough and having no control over any of it......equals meltdowns. Last night was the worst melt down. I felt trapped by everything in my life. Trapped by my body, my kids, our whole family being sick, no sleep, not being able to breathe, not being in Idaho where life was calmer and simpler and we could breathe. I essentially had to be forced to allow my in laws and husband to take control of everything because my whole body just tensed.
You think you have it bad with one sick kid. Then every gets sick. Needless to say it was a rough Christmas. To top it all off I woke up with eyes crusted shut due to a sinus infection so I took out my contacts without knowing I had run out. So I put on my glasses that give me a headache because I'm not used to being an owl, which led to trying to look for non-existent contacts and yelling at Lil miss for playing with my stuff, which led to two days of talking to insurance people about in-network docs and getting a prescription and everyone is booked out. This led to desperation of going to Walmart for a walk in eye exam and meeting a doctor who I can only describe as the when you get an eye exam and they ask you which one is better A or B and B is slightly blurry...this guy was just a little off with everything he said. So I got some new contacts that I can see with and a prescription but won't be returning to him, Ill go to a legit eye doctor asap.
So, things are looking better now that I'm starting to breathe from my nose again and have contacts, and got some sleep last night. It's amazing what drugs do for people.
Friday, December 28, 2018
Sunday, December 16, 2018
Didn't know I had post partum
So this week was night and day difference because of a few things.
I started T on formula and a weaning off the pump.
I started a low dose of anti-anxiety meds.
I started taking sunflower lecithin to thin breastmilk.
T kind of slept through the night twice.
Those and a priesthood blessing, names on the temple prayer roll, families going to the temple frequently...all were the reason I'm now able to look at any day or task with hope again.
Let me also say, I understand now the emotions that lead to suicide. But let me also affirm that I have the pain tolerance of a gnat so I'd never be able to go through with it. Plus I can't imagine putting my family through that. My being here is infinitely better for them than not. But what lead up to those desires turned out to be mostly post-partum anxiety/depression.
I couldn't face Little Miss in the morning without being completely irritated that she was up and talking. Loneliness was physically painful and consuming. I was so guilty about yelling all the time and felt little to no joy through out the day.
Last weekend I had a neighbor watch Lil miss while I went to cvs to buy sunflower lecithin because I kept getting clogged ducts which I knew would lead to mastitis. They didn't have them. The pharmacist noticed my duress and called my ob office with me holding back tears to inform them how dire I needed some anti-anxiety meds sent over asap. I went back home and after talking to an ob nurse while tears streamed down my face she asked if my kids were in a safe place and if there was someone I could call. I'd been trying all day. Finally cousins came over and I hopped in the shower for a good 30 minutes trying to work the clogged ducts free. The water had drained my energy and after pumping I was exhausted. Thomas came home to find me nearly passed out. He and his cousin walked me upstairs where I crawled in bed and just cried.
The next day when help came over to prepare for church things got chaotic and I became exasperated over a lost binky. I ended up having a friend sit in for me in primary and I went to the adult classes. I even talked about asking to be released from my calling because preparing a lesson with such little free time was seemingly impossible.
Now I feel confidence again. I smile at Lil miss now and I'm continuing to wean off pumping. Clogs have all but disappeared. My appetite is back.
Moms have this innate desire and ability to take care of everyone else, but never think to take care of themselves. We need to.
I started T on formula and a weaning off the pump.
I started a low dose of anti-anxiety meds.
I started taking sunflower lecithin to thin breastmilk.
T kind of slept through the night twice.
Those and a priesthood blessing, names on the temple prayer roll, families going to the temple frequently...all were the reason I'm now able to look at any day or task with hope again.
Let me also say, I understand now the emotions that lead to suicide. But let me also affirm that I have the pain tolerance of a gnat so I'd never be able to go through with it. Plus I can't imagine putting my family through that. My being here is infinitely better for them than not. But what lead up to those desires turned out to be mostly post-partum anxiety/depression.
I couldn't face Little Miss in the morning without being completely irritated that she was up and talking. Loneliness was physically painful and consuming. I was so guilty about yelling all the time and felt little to no joy through out the day.
Last weekend I had a neighbor watch Lil miss while I went to cvs to buy sunflower lecithin because I kept getting clogged ducts which I knew would lead to mastitis. They didn't have them. The pharmacist noticed my duress and called my ob office with me holding back tears to inform them how dire I needed some anti-anxiety meds sent over asap. I went back home and after talking to an ob nurse while tears streamed down my face she asked if my kids were in a safe place and if there was someone I could call. I'd been trying all day. Finally cousins came over and I hopped in the shower for a good 30 minutes trying to work the clogged ducts free. The water had drained my energy and after pumping I was exhausted. Thomas came home to find me nearly passed out. He and his cousin walked me upstairs where I crawled in bed and just cried.
The next day when help came over to prepare for church things got chaotic and I became exasperated over a lost binky. I ended up having a friend sit in for me in primary and I went to the adult classes. I even talked about asking to be released from my calling because preparing a lesson with such little free time was seemingly impossible.
Now I feel confidence again. I smile at Lil miss now and I'm continuing to wean off pumping. Clogs have all but disappeared. My appetite is back.
Moms have this innate desire and ability to take care of everyone else, but never think to take care of themselves. We need to.
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