Didn't know I had post partum

So this week was night and day difference because of a few things.

I started T on formula and a weaning off the pump.
I started a low dose of anti-anxiety meds.
I started taking sunflower lecithin to thin breastmilk.
T kind of slept through the night twice.

Those and a priesthood blessing, names on the temple prayer roll, families going to the temple frequently...all were the reason I'm now able to look at any day or task with hope again.

Let me also say, I understand now the emotions that lead to suicide. But let me also affirm that I have the pain tolerance of a gnat so I'd never be able to go through with it. Plus I can't imagine putting my family through that. My being here is infinitely better for them than not. But what lead up to those desires turned out to be mostly post-partum anxiety/depression.

I couldn't face Little Miss in the morning without being completely irritated that she was up and talking. Loneliness was physically painful and consuming. I was so guilty about yelling all the time and felt little to no joy through out the day.

Last weekend I had a neighbor watch Lil miss while I went to cvs to buy sunflower lecithin because I kept getting clogged ducts which I knew would lead to mastitis. They didn't have them. The pharmacist noticed my duress and called my ob office with me holding back tears to inform them how dire I needed some anti-anxiety meds sent over asap. I went back home and after talking to an ob nurse while tears streamed down my face she asked if my kids were in a safe place and if there was someone I could call. I'd been trying all day. Finally cousins came over and I hopped in the shower for a good 30 minutes trying to work the clogged ducts free. The water had drained my energy and after pumping I was exhausted. Thomas came home to find me nearly passed out. He and his cousin walked me upstairs where I crawled in bed and just cried.

The next day when help came over to prepare for church things got chaotic and I became exasperated over a lost binky. I ended up having a friend sit in for me in primary and I went to the adult classes. I even talked about asking to be released from my calling because preparing a lesson with such little free time was seemingly impossible.

Now I feel confidence again. I smile at Lil miss now and I'm continuing to wean off pumping. Clogs have all but disappeared. My appetite is back.


Moms have this innate desire and ability to take care of everyone else, but never think to take care of themselves.  We need to.