The classic question "What do you do all day?"

I'll be honest. I asked this question of homemakers and momy-ers before me. Every one of them seemed to answer with overwhelming assurance that they had so much to do and not enough hours in the day to do it all. Because I didn't have that response, it scared me.

Today, though I guess I asked myself that question, and all the sudden had some value responses.

What do I do all day?

I feed. Clean. Read books and teach. I garden. I harvest a few beans and a handful of raspberries. I mold a young mind. I update family on our little world. I plan. I lead exploration. I introduce. I check up on friends that are struggling. I plan to help someone come to know more about the gospel. I relax. I ponder. I cook. I bake. I sew. I decorate. I stumble and get back up. Some times I lose my cool. I apologize. I teach manners. I wipe a runny nose. I change a diaper and then put a toddler back to bed.

The list goes on and on, but to me for the longest time I took these for granted. There's not a deadline to any of these. No boss looking over my shoulder. But still I'm running the show here.

Your loud plea for acceptance equals demanding my silence and tolerance

From everything to people wanting acceptance for deciding to be openly homosexual, to leaving the church, to running red lights, or not accepting parental responsibility....I'm sick of it. Every time people make these choices they loudly and aggressively demand my acceptance, love, happiness for them, and silence. My opinion has no relevance, nor MY feelings. They are not allowed. They are unwelcome. I'm supposed to let you shout from the roof tops, but when I disagree and out of concern, show sadness, you shove every particle of evidence down my throat as to why I should see things your way.

I get we all have the right to choose what we do. I get these decisions are personal. But I'm allowed my thoughts on the matter. Do you get that? I don't plan to burn your house to the ground. I don't plan to get a voodoo doll and reenact that scene from temple of doom. I simply feel sad. Can you allow me to feel sad? Can you allow what I believe to have validity as well? Why is that so much to ask? If I were intolerant of you it would look like racism in the 60's. I don't segregate myself from you. In fact, I still invite you to dinner and we talk about common ground. If I was intolerant I'd make you wear a star and monitor your every move. Instead, you shout it from the housetops and remind me of your choices regularly.

My own crisis of faith

In response to a sincere post I shared about feeling sad when others leave the Church, many assume I've been completely stalwart my entire life and have no idea I endured my own crisis of faith at perhaps the most surprising time.

I began to suffer from anxiety and depression while I was serving my mission. I found that terribly ironic and shameful because I was teaching that I had the key to happiness and I felt like a fraud for not knowing how the Atonement worked. Turns out I was holding myself and everyone around me to an unrealistic standard, and it's the Grace of Christ that I wasn't sure how to access at the time, and have now a much greater understanding of...on that note...it makes ALL the difference. Many know I left at 10 months, went through counseling, took meds, yada yada. It wasn't until I learned to let the spirit be my guide and years later, learned how to slowly and steadily access the Grace of Christ regularly that I was able to overcome anxiety for the most part and pretty much defeat that period of depression.

I wound up back at BYUI and remember unpacking my car thinking," What was I doing there?" I went to conference with my closest buddies and felt like a fraud because I'd see the sister missionaries just beaming. I remember a conversation I had with one of my besties, Ramos, and said I felt so confused about the church and couldn't pin point why. He told me, if any of the churches were true, it was this one.

I talked to my mom on the phone about how I do the things I know I'm supposed to but something just felt off. She was scared too. It was a real thing I was experiencing. I also was lonely, wanting a best friend because mine physically couldn't be there for me. This was just weeks before meeting and getting to know Thomas.

Things both became clearer, and got muddier at the same time. We dated and he was everything I'd wanted and needed. But I still felt anxious, especially in the temple.

Even the first few years of my marriage I was still troubled with anxiety. Even, if not especially with my lil miss have I ever really felt secure as a mom, and I see plenty of people trumping me in the motherhood department when it comes to being a natural at it. My lil guy on the way has been a very unique source of comfort in that department.


My point is, I've experienced what many would accuse me of having no clue about. Crisis of faith, temptations, anxiety, depression periods, insecurity, etc.  But, the main difference is I made the choice to stick through it, even when things didn't make sense, and came out conqueror in the end in my own understanding and convictions. Turns out through the years, it's always just been a test of faith before some of the best and biggest blessings were to be received.

I know that when they teach that our covenants are what will take care of us, it's true. Keeping them, and continuing to learn about them. I don't believe they were meant to be understood fully in one pass, otherwise why would they say we should regularly attend the temple when we don't have family names? Especially as a couple when possible.

Please know that I simply convey my heartache for those who haven't gotten there. I'm NOT judging. You're right, I don't understand your unique circumstances because I haven't lived your life and been in the deep chambers of your heart. He has, and those who were given the gift of the Holy Ghost, still have that gift when they live worthy of it. I think of it as when I see lil miss struggling with something I totally see she's capable of, and she gives up out of frustration, it makes me sad because I know how close she is if she just keeps at it.

If you're on a journey of self discovery, it is yours to learn from and be on. I just know that the truest source of knowledge, even at times though silent,  is Christ and His restored church with it's revealed truth. The main truth that will get you through ANYTHING, even if it takes years to see it, is learning to access His grace. (Read Sheri Dew's book Amazed by Grace!) It will conquer your depression, your unbeatable temptations, your heartaches.

If the church hasn't answered everything for you yet, I believe that's good. That's what personal revelation is for. But it doesn't make the Church false. (again, that not meant to be offensive). One of the Wilcox brothers told a story about how his dad left the family when they were young and he prayed for years to know why. It wasn't until he became a dad and knew the joys that his dad had missed that he'd gotten an answer. He said he didn't have a pocket in his heart for the answer to be given yet.

Either way I implore anyone, not to give up.

Please forgive me if you've felt condemned by my convictions it was not my intention.

Also, in the spirit of civility, please be kind in responses. This is my journey I've shared. We're all entitled to our own convictions.

Got to play swim coach

I always get antsy and tired when I don't have something planned to do with Lucy. Today I decided to take her to the Sandy fun center. It was an awesome bang for the buck though I was unsure how Lucy would do with swimming without her security blanket, Thomas. The other hard part is she has a hard time communicating between two options. Either ors...I finally got her to say yes I want to go swimming, because she kept saying she wanted to go down a slide...I didn't know where she meant. We got her changed and she booked it for the kiddie pool which was only a foot and a half deep...felt deeper when not dressed in a swim suit, as I wasn't...cuz why would I need to if it was only that deep. Lucy found the slide and before I could get to her or be in reach of her ears anymore she plunged down a 4 four water slide into unknown territory. She went under and didn't know how to get up again. She wasn't wearing floaties because I anticipated being right there the whole time...but again she got ahead of me. The life guard was so bored he didn't notice the little girl struggling with a panic to get her sea legs, and she hadn't been taught yet to just stand up. I was able to get through the other parahna kids obliviously playing around her and pull her up for air, to which end she started to cry from a pretty good panic attack. I don't blame her. I don't think I'll ever forget the look on her face.

I sat her down on my lap with a towel, calmed her down, and explained she needs to wait until I'm at the bottom of the slide. She also needed to remember to "find her legs" or stand. This incident happened at least two more times just because she didn't think to make sure it was clear of other kids. Long story short she is fine. In fact after learning from those terrifying moments she became determined to "stick the landing" and then got comfortable to do it with just my supervision and not me catching her. It was cool to see the satisfaction of her discovered, recognized mastery. It was really frustrating that the boredom the lifeguards were experiencing got in the way several times of them not noticing my obviously pre-drowning little girl. On top of that, one of them was wearing full fledge street clothes including shoes and socks.


I wish I wasn't so concerned on that time with getting my clothes wet as I should have been about jumping in and getting her air faster. In a real emergency, more than this one, would I even have the maternal instinct to put it aside and jump in regardless of what happened to me. Perhaps I didn't view it as a huge emergency in my subconscious.  Perhaps it was a tender mercy that I didn't freak out so I could pull her out.