My own crisis of faith

In response to a sincere post I shared about feeling sad when others leave the Church, many assume I've been completely stalwart my entire life and have no idea I endured my own crisis of faith at perhaps the most surprising time.

I began to suffer from anxiety and depression while I was serving my mission. I found that terribly ironic and shameful because I was teaching that I had the key to happiness and I felt like a fraud for not knowing how the Atonement worked. Turns out I was holding myself and everyone around me to an unrealistic standard, and it's the Grace of Christ that I wasn't sure how to access at the time, and have now a much greater understanding of...on that note...it makes ALL the difference. Many know I left at 10 months, went through counseling, took meds, yada yada. It wasn't until I learned to let the spirit be my guide and years later, learned how to slowly and steadily access the Grace of Christ regularly that I was able to overcome anxiety for the most part and pretty much defeat that period of depression.

I wound up back at BYUI and remember unpacking my car thinking," What was I doing there?" I went to conference with my closest buddies and felt like a fraud because I'd see the sister missionaries just beaming. I remember a conversation I had with one of my besties, Ramos, and said I felt so confused about the church and couldn't pin point why. He told me, if any of the churches were true, it was this one.

I talked to my mom on the phone about how I do the things I know I'm supposed to but something just felt off. She was scared too. It was a real thing I was experiencing. I also was lonely, wanting a best friend because mine physically couldn't be there for me. This was just weeks before meeting and getting to know Thomas.

Things both became clearer, and got muddier at the same time. We dated and he was everything I'd wanted and needed. But I still felt anxious, especially in the temple.

Even the first few years of my marriage I was still troubled with anxiety. Even, if not especially with my lil miss have I ever really felt secure as a mom, and I see plenty of people trumping me in the motherhood department when it comes to being a natural at it. My lil guy on the way has been a very unique source of comfort in that department.


My point is, I've experienced what many would accuse me of having no clue about. Crisis of faith, temptations, anxiety, depression periods, insecurity, etc.  But, the main difference is I made the choice to stick through it, even when things didn't make sense, and came out conqueror in the end in my own understanding and convictions. Turns out through the years, it's always just been a test of faith before some of the best and biggest blessings were to be received.

I know that when they teach that our covenants are what will take care of us, it's true. Keeping them, and continuing to learn about them. I don't believe they were meant to be understood fully in one pass, otherwise why would they say we should regularly attend the temple when we don't have family names? Especially as a couple when possible.

Please know that I simply convey my heartache for those who haven't gotten there. I'm NOT judging. You're right, I don't understand your unique circumstances because I haven't lived your life and been in the deep chambers of your heart. He has, and those who were given the gift of the Holy Ghost, still have that gift when they live worthy of it. I think of it as when I see lil miss struggling with something I totally see she's capable of, and she gives up out of frustration, it makes me sad because I know how close she is if she just keeps at it.

If you're on a journey of self discovery, it is yours to learn from and be on. I just know that the truest source of knowledge, even at times though silent,  is Christ and His restored church with it's revealed truth. The main truth that will get you through ANYTHING, even if it takes years to see it, is learning to access His grace. (Read Sheri Dew's book Amazed by Grace!) It will conquer your depression, your unbeatable temptations, your heartaches.

If the church hasn't answered everything for you yet, I believe that's good. That's what personal revelation is for. But it doesn't make the Church false. (again, that not meant to be offensive). One of the Wilcox brothers told a story about how his dad left the family when they were young and he prayed for years to know why. It wasn't until he became a dad and knew the joys that his dad had missed that he'd gotten an answer. He said he didn't have a pocket in his heart for the answer to be given yet.

Either way I implore anyone, not to give up.

Please forgive me if you've felt condemned by my convictions it was not my intention.

Also, in the spirit of civility, please be kind in responses. This is my journey I've shared. We're all entitled to our own convictions.