Anyone else feel like we've been raised to have goals until you've had kids and then it's free range? Like get baptized, serve a mission, get married, have kids.......................then what? Raise those kids righteously. Ok......any parameters you wanna throw out there? I met with a hometown friend today that mentioned that kids are all so different and conference seems more concerned with cheering us on. But guys, let me tell you. I don't do blank canvas well....never have. Too many possibilities. Too much freedom. I paint. We all know this, and when I have a picture to go off of I nail it.
I had a similar experience when I was trying to decide between mission and marriage. I told the Lord I would go whichever way He told me to............nothing. Turns out He's DANG serious about our choices and us making them. I want to say I felt Him tell me to serve, but really I kind of just put words in His mouth and went. That was obviously a correct choice but He didn't tell me it was the RIGHT one until a MONTH before I came home.
I struggle hard core being a mom. It's blank canvas after blank canvas and I know the Lord likes to stretch us but today was one of those days( thank heavens minus the bit we spent with my high school buddy) that I just felt trapped. I feel like I'm living Groundhog day and after a while I just start picking up hobbies because I have the time.
Last night in our self reliance personal finance class they had the activity "make a 5 year plan". I was frustrated because this has already been on my mind for months and I still feel purposeless, directionless, and many days feel meaningless. I feel like a high school kid who's only purpose is to find people to hang out with and go to the mall. I have so much free time on my hands that I don't know what to do with and I hate it. I am an extrovert that feels like I'm on an island. Don't know how to relate? Try thinking of sticking an extrovert in the middle of a party or a concert.
I know the kids are going to get older but I need serious help with the now. It was pointed out to me recently that we don't live in the now. I have been thinking about how good life was in high school because I always have stuff going on and my buddies and I were the best of friends and there was a good group of us. I think back to college time and free time started to creep in.
As I've pondered, I've never done well with free time. It's always scared me.
The good news is I recognize my anxiety and calmly say it's not a big deal and it will pass. But I honestly can't wait for this time of life to be done. But the hardest part about it is I feel like I'm already retired and I don't know what I'll do when I do retire.
Alls I want is more structure. I know it's a personal matter and it's different for everyone but this week I felt pretty isolated...I feel isolated a lot. To those who've been there for me, you're rockstars.
Moms-how do you deal with this?
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