Enter with an open mind

Disclaimer- This may be an unpopular opinion but I have tried to word what I've been thinking and feeling in a way that won't come off as offensive. If you read what I share and disagree, but remember as a friend of mine shared with me recently...Freedom of speech means everyone is allowed to share their opinion without being lashed against....or something like that.. That being said. Enjoy :

Dear world,

 I am grateful to live in a progressive time where anyone can vote and go to college and all the other opportunities in the pursuit of happiness. As no one is a stranger to the big push for equal rights for women aka feminism...I'd like to petition the world to see to the encouragement of an almost archaic but crucial missing element of feminism...namely...being feminine. The woman who wants to be graceful and make a house a home and raise a family...all be it the most difficult part of the whole pie....have the class of Audrey Hepburn, the skills of June cleaver, and the influence of Eleanor Roosevelt. 

It seems we get the pressure of knowing how to be June cleaver and bashed for wanting to be June cleaver or told we're oppressed if we are June cleaver. What's not heart warming about being able to make a home a comfortable place to be or being able to prepare a yummy dinner. 

I'm fine with teaching girls to go after their dreams of education and career and being what they want to be...but what if they want to be a home maker and mother. Why can't we be well rounded in both teaching both options? 

If you Google homemaking you find very little. If you pinterest home making you'll find even less. If you pinterest homemaking skills to teach kids...haha that's a good one. But in reality home making skills are what everyone is trying to hack.

 Cleaning hacks 
Food hacks 
Grocery shopping and couponing
 Upcycling clothing and thrift stuff 
Storage hacks...it goes on and on without actually owning up to what it is. 

 I taught high school for two years and every kid wants to know how you're going to use what you learn in the real world. Home making skills are the most crucial but the most made fun of... I taught a 19 year old young man once on my mission that didn't know how to boil water. It scared him. He couldn't cook at all. That's a basic skill. Something is terribly wrong with that. On the other hand I have a good friend whose teenage son can make bread and cross stitch. Both for hobby and helpful as he comes from a family of 7 boys. 

 Cooking, cleaning, laundry, directions, healthy meals and bargains, sewing, gardening, teaching potty training and reading and manners, decorating, discipline, morals and religion, and as I'm a member of the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints - maintaining a strong testimony of Jesus Christ and, this goes for anyone, knowing how to weather through the storms of life without throwing a tantrum as an adult. Emotional independence for your kids. 

 I wish instead of hitting so hard on test scores schools hit harder on how to live independently and contribute to society. They used to teach that in schools...now look at what's happened... When I was in activity days we learned things like phone etiquette, how to make bread sticks, sew simple things. In Young Womens I learned about faith, my divine nature, my individual worth, how to learn, how to be accountable for my choices, serve, and be honest with myself and others. At girls camp I learned silly songs that I now sing with my daughter. I learned hair tricks which I do on my daughter. I learned creative skits with simple moves that I teach to my daughter. It was silly back then...but I still use those today as a mom.

My grandma Clarke taught us how to make bread, porcelain dolls, sew, craft and clean. She also commented once on how unruly my hair looked and from that time forward I always made sure my hair was combed and neat when I'd see her and I'd point it out and she'd agree with me. She was also a heart warming hostess and to this day everyone loves going to her house even though she's gone now. 

My mother in law is an incredible hostess often eating last and making sure everyone is taken care of first. She dresses like Jackie Kennedy but is kind and spunky like Marjorie pay hinckley. Her decorating is always festive without being gaudy and often using the dollar store. 

My sister learned how to really sew from our grandpa Clarke and grandma Margaret. Has learned how to cook healthy meals and spend little. She also knows how to raise kids without blowing get top and doing fun things but teaching them to be independent and creative. 

My mom is a music fanatic and huge on getting an education. She taught responsibility through chores and not giving up. She also taught going out of your way to serve..often to the most prickly of characters. 

Long story short, I want girls to be able to choose going corporate or going homemaker and know how to do both. And the world being supportive of either decision. I whole-heartedly agree with the idea that with out the home making career, all other careers wouldn't exist because the mom shapes her kids. 

 I was super confident when getting a job. I can ace any interview. I wish more emphasis would have been placed on how to ace the home. Thank heaven for the programs and teachings of the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints. It is my back bone. I don't downplay the importance and amazingness of women having more secular opportunities. However, I want the home classes celebrated as well.

Conquering potty training makes me think the rest should be a peace of cake.

We had some wins this week. But they were preluded by some big toe stubs. I chose to fast on Monday for Thomas to get the position he's been gunning for, as well as my sewing capabilities to be on par with this minky blankets endeavor that I fell in love with. That decision was both a blessing to think of those things and see partial fruition of what we have control over, but also because it was the first time in more than a year I was able to fast since I was pregnant and nursing...thank HEAVEN I'm no longer doing that. But we all know that story. I've seen Thomas be calm about the outcome either way. At this point he's still in the running. Fingers crossed.

I've been really lazy with potty training because of the constant effort it would take. Tuesday we didn't have much planned so I decided to dedicate it to such. Let's just say I plan to write a letter to her to read a year from now for this day with apologies because I was not a pretty human. But Wednesday I said we were going to aim to go in the potty and I promised to be patient. We spent nearly an hour and a half on the little potty, promising fruit snacks if she did something. Pumped her full of juice and water, stuck her hand in warm water, and read potty books. When she did go in her little potty we partied like it was 1985....and she got her fruit snacks. I was ecstatic. She was ecstatic. Then she began to have an accident but we quickly put her on her training potty and she went and went and went and was sooooooo proud of herself. Probably one of the best mommy memories so far. Then to top it off she went in the big girl potty. When she her the splash she was bezerk in the best way. Now she earns licorice pieces because that's a lot of fruit snacks. Now she prefers underwear, even held it (didn't know she even understood that concept) until we got home, and has started going quicker and quicker.

Wednesday night was on the other hand crazy challenging with lil man. His teething makes him cough himself awake...then he's hungry. Though we're trying to break that habit I was being stubborn, which lead to a melt down because 2 am is not the best time to try new things. So last night we just gave him the bottle when he woke up and we were back in bed with in 10 minutes. So why did God let Wednesday night be so terrible and exhausting? I believe it was to learn a lesson....I need my sleep and I have to do what it takes to get it. He'll eventually sleep through the night and probably be like every other teenager where I have to harass them to get out of bed.

Also, got two blankets done....I think. Working on another with confidence and knowing how to work my machine better. Happiness is learning and conquering.

Motherhood is like diggin' ditches

I had a family member tell me they don't think I'm happy where I am in life. With my house, kids, whatever. Truth be told they're kind of right. But not in the way you think.

This is my humble view point. Not doctrine. Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints I live by the Plan of Happiness. The gist is it's a plan our Father in Heaven created for us to be happy. What I think we overlook is part of that plan is this life is lone and dreary much of the time. It's regularly full of challenges. But it also has a lot of happy moments. In high school, I didn't have the same responsibilities I do now. I could hang with my friends after chores were done and did all the time. We had a riot. Now I have a house with kids toys all over the place, with a line of books strewn perfectly and methodically placed under all the clothes lil miss and mr snuggles wear all the time. I'm eating the left-over turkey and blueberries and added my own cheese and crackers to my daughters lunch. I have books under my feet, balloons strewn about with plastic balls accompanying them. After I write this, I'm going to be smart of nap the same time as my kids.

I look around right now and I'm happy. I smile. But 20 minutes ago I was chasing my near 3 year old around corraling her to her bedroom for her nap, then swaddling a tired 5 month old and having to tell my brother, not to be rude, but I gotta cut you off and get kids down.

We live in Utah. Not our favorite choice. But we know this is where the Lord put us. We've had a lot of growing opps and I'm sure more to come. The people we have here have been angels. Lil miss knows the Wasatch area better than most adults with a smart phone. She also can't connect to go potty before you wet your pants, not after. But that's just the stage I'm in. It's glorious but not glamorous. For me, often it's grueling. But I've taken up sewing and feel really excited about it. I use every cupboard and drawer and dish and mostly all our clothes all the time. Marie Kondo....I've been living your lifestyle before it was popular lol.

But honestly, motherhood is like digging ditches for fence posts in the middle of rural Texas. Often it's hard back breaking, soul questioning "I want to go home and rethink my life" from Star Wars kind of work. You get dirty. REally dirty. But you look up and you see some wild life...pun intended...is that a pun?? You see some cool landscape. You feel a breeze of air. And when the job is done, eventually.........................which it probably never is because posts get old and break or ...you get the point. You have a fence. It keeps the things you love protected. It gave you boundaries, and duty for all that time.

MY pay off for motherhood is not all the time right now. I get more sleep than my husband some times. Sometimes I get no sleep and I become Dr. Jekyl Mr. Hyde. But when Lil Miss knows all the words to Book of Mormon stories, Lion King, and runs to someone who is crying to comfort them...it pays off. Later in life when I can pillow talk about boys and help her see she doesn't need a phone to be happy...in fact, people and interacting with family are already her preferred activities anyway...that will be a pay off. When she goes to the temple to do baptisms for the first time singing I love to see the temple, I went inside today.....that will be a pay off.  She takes everyone's dishes to the sink after every meal, says please and thank you and you're welcome, and stacks her crackers perfectly before she eats them. Those are pay offs. Am I on low-dose anti-anxiety meds? yes. But I also use a middle grade inhaler because we can eat the air here...just a different treatment for a different problem.


Bottom line- This life was not intended to be happy all the time. I agree with my friend Cassie, that no one is in love with their kids, job, spouse, or situation all the time. I believe that would be counter-productive...watch pursuit of happiness..I hated that movie because it was depressing. Especially on Christmas day. But later I found the wisdom in it. Crap happens in life. You cry. You break down....but you learn what makes you break and how to be better. I believe the Savior's grace is not always in the form of relief. Some times it's understanding.

Motherhood is something I was always afraid I wouldn't be good at. I am good at it. I don't always like it. My kind of vacation is being a tourist, eating out at awesome cool yummy places, and getting kicked out of places for being ridiculous...those things make memories. Right now, vacation is going places and seeing people I desperately miss. And that's ok. I'm happy.

The cold from hades

So when we went to Disneyland 6 years ago I asked my husbands family which disney princess I would be and instantly his brother Philip replied  Sleeping Beauty. I love sleep. I don't take naps usually but I love my sleep at night. That being said I didn't realize how important it was for me personally until this week. You go through being woken up a lot with a newborn and I hear of kids who don't sleep at all and boy I just can't even imagine. But the kids would sleep this week but I couldn't because I got the worse sinus congestion I've ever had. I would blow and blow and blow my nose and still it won't stop. I can't smell even the strongest things like bleach, peppermint, eucalyptus, dirty diapers. So it's blessing to not smell the bad...but to not be able to breathe...oh man. EUREKA!! I can breathe through my nose for the first time in 5 days! 5 Looooooong days of no sleep because breathing through my mouth dried me out, which caused chapped lips and dry air that made me cough til I choked to death for hours on end.

I was doing really well with the anti-anxiety meds, but put no sleep on top of not being able to breathe plus hearing everyone is your house cough and having no control over any of it......equals meltdowns. Last night was the worst melt down. I felt trapped by everything in my life. Trapped by my body, my kids, our whole family being sick, no sleep, not being able to breathe, not being in Idaho where life was calmer and simpler and we could breathe. I essentially had to be forced to allow my in laws and husband to take control of everything because my whole body just tensed.

You think you have it bad with one sick kid. Then every gets sick. Needless to say it was a rough Christmas. To top it all off I woke up with eyes crusted shut due to a sinus infection so I took out my contacts without knowing I had run out. So I put on my glasses that give me a headache because I'm not used to being an owl, which led to trying to look for non-existent contacts and yelling at Lil miss for playing with my stuff, which led to two days of talking to insurance people about in-network docs and getting a prescription and everyone is booked out. This led to desperation of going to Walmart for a walk in eye exam and meeting a doctor who I can only describe as the when you get an eye exam and they ask you which one is better A or B and B is slightly blurry...this guy was just a little off with everything he said. So I got some new contacts that I can see with and a prescription but won't be returning to him, Ill go to a legit eye doctor asap.

So, things are looking better now that I'm starting to breathe from my nose again and have contacts, and got some sleep last night. It's amazing what drugs do for people.

Didn't know I had post partum

So this week was night and day difference because of a few things.

I started T on formula and a weaning off the pump.
I started a low dose of anti-anxiety meds.
I started taking sunflower lecithin to thin breastmilk.
T kind of slept through the night twice.

Those and a priesthood blessing, names on the temple prayer roll, families going to the temple frequently...all were the reason I'm now able to look at any day or task with hope again.

Let me also say, I understand now the emotions that lead to suicide. But let me also affirm that I have the pain tolerance of a gnat so I'd never be able to go through with it. Plus I can't imagine putting my family through that. My being here is infinitely better for them than not. But what lead up to those desires turned out to be mostly post-partum anxiety/depression.

I couldn't face Little Miss in the morning without being completely irritated that she was up and talking. Loneliness was physically painful and consuming. I was so guilty about yelling all the time and felt little to no joy through out the day.

Last weekend I had a neighbor watch Lil miss while I went to cvs to buy sunflower lecithin because I kept getting clogged ducts which I knew would lead to mastitis. They didn't have them. The pharmacist noticed my duress and called my ob office with me holding back tears to inform them how dire I needed some anti-anxiety meds sent over asap. I went back home and after talking to an ob nurse while tears streamed down my face she asked if my kids were in a safe place and if there was someone I could call. I'd been trying all day. Finally cousins came over and I hopped in the shower for a good 30 minutes trying to work the clogged ducts free. The water had drained my energy and after pumping I was exhausted. Thomas came home to find me nearly passed out. He and his cousin walked me upstairs where I crawled in bed and just cried.

The next day when help came over to prepare for church things got chaotic and I became exasperated over a lost binky. I ended up having a friend sit in for me in primary and I went to the adult classes. I even talked about asking to be released from my calling because preparing a lesson with such little free time was seemingly impossible.

Now I feel confidence again. I smile at Lil miss now and I'm continuing to wean off pumping. Clogs have all but disappeared. My appetite is back.


Moms have this innate desire and ability to take care of everyone else, but never think to take care of themselves.  We need to.

Raw real life right now

Alliteration is awesome...that was for Thomas.

At this moment, I am pumping milk while Tommy, Lucy, and Thomas are all taking a nap. I've been on edge for several weeks because my life has not felt at all like my own. But I had one of those step back and take it in moments.

These are not just perfectly unkept rooms. they are pure evidence of what will only last for a few years and then I'll have the homework stage, then the hormone stage, then the honey moon stage...again with the alliteration.

Usually, these scenes would stress me out. Maybe they don't right now because I have all three napping and it's peaceful and calm...as it usually is this time of day. Before and after is hectic and maddening, and I don't feel I ever handle it well. I constantly hear this doesn't last forever, they grow up so fast, etc. I appreciate that idea and most of the time brace myself and say yup I know. I've never been one to be ocd. Anxiety and depression (though never chronic, thank heaven) were friends of mine for a time and have tried to establish connection again because I again didn't feel I was handling anything well.

A few things that have helped in moments. The Lord told me I have a unique and specific personality for my kids and vice versa. He essentially told me also that emphasizing how inadequate or unnatural I feel at this doesn't help, nor is it true. It's the hardest calling I've ever been given. One that doesn't truly end though it has lots of successful moments.

He also told me I'm not going to receive more help because I've been given what I need, and just need eyes to see it. Looking at my successes also helps. When all I see is Lil miss sad and irritating because I can't play with her or she doesn't listen I feel awful. When I'm stuck pumping every 5 hours and not able to hold Tommy that really stresses me out..or the prospect that I will not always produce enough, or that I constantly have to drink water and think of what I eat...essentially, that my body is not my own more now than when I was pregnant..I get stressed out. I get snappy. I feel doomed. It makes me want to get formula and throw the towel in. I'm hanging on as long as I can though because I see a difference in his weight and health.

I also see that we live in a close knit neighborhood and the kids all play together and we adults all talk to each other...very old fashioned idea but I love that. I see that I have a good handful of regular willing helpers to hold Tommy, play with Lucy, or simply just let me rant.

As best as I can I want to look past the trees in the forest and instead be in a plane overviewing the whole mountain.

The classic question "What do you do all day?"

I'll be honest. I asked this question of homemakers and momy-ers before me. Every one of them seemed to answer with overwhelming assurance that they had so much to do and not enough hours in the day to do it all. Because I didn't have that response, it scared me.

Today, though I guess I asked myself that question, and all the sudden had some value responses.

What do I do all day?

I feed. Clean. Read books and teach. I garden. I harvest a few beans and a handful of raspberries. I mold a young mind. I update family on our little world. I plan. I lead exploration. I introduce. I check up on friends that are struggling. I plan to help someone come to know more about the gospel. I relax. I ponder. I cook. I bake. I sew. I decorate. I stumble and get back up. Some times I lose my cool. I apologize. I teach manners. I wipe a runny nose. I change a diaper and then put a toddler back to bed.

The list goes on and on, but to me for the longest time I took these for granted. There's not a deadline to any of these. No boss looking over my shoulder. But still I'm running the show here.