I think we'll call it Four.

Well Thomas and I got lucky again. I was 4 weeks and decided to call it "Four". Four weeks along, 4th attempt at pregnancy, and in reference to Thomas's favorite movie, Divergent, hahaha, we want our baby to possess all the good qualities, so Four it was.

Then 5 weeks comes and I go visit my family in Vegas. I tell my mom I can't take Zyrtec and stay around her animals because we have a "Spot" and I show her the ultrasound.(Doctor wanted to know first thing when we got preggers again so the ultra sound showed a spot for where things are going to take place. Well things are normal in Vegas, I surprise my mom, sister, Brother in law and some of my besties going on 10 years! Well I was looking forward to coming to Vegas to go to Traders Joes for their "natural" oreos and their personal Greek salads. We got to my parents and I excitedly open my salad after swimming and starving, mix everything around and take a bite.......the lettuce tasted rotten!!! Imagine the most unpalatable thing you've ever had...yea...I took another bite just to make sure. YUCK! It was again rotten. I taste my mom's and again it was rotten! Then Andrea takes a bite of my salad and gets this apologetic smile on her face and says, "Sorry, Dana the salad tastes just fine." MY TASTEBUDS!!!!! So far that's the only thing that has tasted bad. I was sooo sad because I was looking forward to that salad so much. Pooh.

6 weeks......Hello nightly potty breaks, morning sickness, and "womb service". I have to eat according to what the baby wants, when it wants, or ELSE. I had to put out an request for someone to run me an errand for cheese pizza. The other day I wanted a sandwich with salami, lettuce, mayo and mustard. Pickles are a normal. Going into my own kitchen and looking at my own pantry makes me nauseous. We take it as a sign that something is actually happening due to these symptoms so this time because I've been playing it safe being bed ridden.

7 weeks....Morning sickness is a tameable beast me thinks! If I have rice for breakfast, protein for lunch, bread something for a snack, and protein for dinner then the most I experience is an occasional gag reflex. Burpring has been become a constant companion....so unlady like, thought fortunately Thomas laughs at them because they're so good. Around 830 at night I also have a hard time breathing. I determined though that spearmint gum is a life saver. Keeps the tummy calm and the burps down. Nightly potty breaks are becoming rare, but I can over exert myself easily. Just the other day I folded laundry and that wiped me out haha.

8 weeks...our first ultrasound is around the corner and I'm trying to be calm. We go to bed the night before and .....neither of us gets much sleep. I have dreams of every possible outcome the doctors can say. I even saw its face but anytime I asked about a heart beat I was left for naught.
So we arrive at the doctors office and the entire office seems to be just as anxious for us a we are because they all know our history. We wait for the ultrasound tech and I'm praying my heart out that all is well and there's a heart beat. She begins in the ultrasound and YAYYYYYY!!!! There's a little body and a HEARTBEAT!!! 186 apparently is nice and strong. I cried. Best part was I was measuring at 9. I skipped a week! YEA!!!

I drove over to my mom in laws and I showed her the picture and we cried and hugged each other.
Cantaloupe is a good go-to. Sweets at night. But protein pretty much takes the cake still. I've only thrown up once in the last week, and energy is good as long as I keep it low key.
I'm amazed at how everything from the bikini line to the collar bone expands. And here I was thinking it was just the belly that got bigger. WRong!

10 weeks...just as I felt like I was on the upswing from morning sickness...I get the flu. Best way to be woken up at midnight for sure haha. It was even funnier because around 3 I weakly tried nudging Thomas awake to give me a blessing. I was using what I felt was brute strength and if you remember that scene from Night at the Museum when they deflate the tire and to them it was a tornado and to us it was nothing...yea pretty much the same thing. When I got him up though he didn't question me because apparently I looked like death.  Anyway, morning came and my mom-in-law came over and spent the whole day with me, cooking, cleaning, cleaning, laundering....that woman is a saint.

11 weeks...tiredness was the big issue. Still not being able to eat a lot of different things and I can also outburp anyone.

12 weeks...Thomas gradiated college and after the first ceremony that's when together we told his grandparents with the ultrasound picture. We said we had some news for them and I pulled out the picture. When they realized what it was they both squealed, got teary-eyed, and I got teary-eyed, and then we all hugged some more. Pure. Awesome. After that my body came off the adrenaline and I got really tired.  On that notes, it's so weird Thomas doesn't have hw anymore. A good weird, but nonetheless.
Went in for my 12 week appt, still a bit apprehensive just because 3 miscarriages will do that to you. turns out they have a small hand held machine that just listens for heart beats. Baby was beating at a good strong 163. Miscarriage risk goes down significantly, and they told me that on Sunday I would be 13 weeks. I feel like I skip a week each appt. Fine by me. We are cautiously stoked. :D

If you're not taken care of it's hard to take care of.

           As most of you know I'm a high school art teacher. This last trimester I was made aware of several students and their intense struggles. I myself went through a doozy when I was about 15 that led to spending a night being badgered by detectives for 4 hours. I won't go into those details, suffice it to say I'm not a total stranger to intense hardship at a young age, so I could relate to these kids. Some of these kids had court dates for things they had done, terrible things that had happened to them, and 1 even tried to take their own life. Because of these experiences I was reminded of a few things.

Maslow's hierarchy of needs

     According to Abraham Maslow, each person has a hierarchy of needs that need to be met before was can reach self-actualization...in lay man's terms, if the physiological needs are met we are capable of dealing with the safety and security needs and up and so on. I've seen this in the lives of my students, family, and myself.

     My students for the most part are all met with the physiological, but several of my students have family and stability issues, making it near impossible to teach them about creative things because their saftey and stability needs interfere with love and belonging, and many if none of them have very good self-esteem or self-worth, and with all those issues it's like asking for a million dollars from these kids to think about art or school in general.


     Thomas and I went and did sealings at the temple today and the thought came to mind that Maslow's hierarchy of needs applies to spiritual well being as well as environmental. People being interviewed for baptism are asked if they are keeping the commandments. If they aren't having the spirit with them will be impossible. Young men and women preparing to serve missions are asked if there is anything out of order in their lives because when they get out in the field, their issues will eat them alive and serving the Lord will be impossible. Temple recommend interviews ask the same thing because being the Lord's house and being unclean is the worst feeling you can experience and thus you will rob yourself of being taught marvelous truths. We are always encouraged to see our bishops and clear up our lives' spiritual issues if things in our lives are out of whack. We shy away from the counsel because we are scared and ashamed. But if we have the basic of needs met, but our safety and security needs aren't met we have a very difficult time seeing past them, and the spirit has a hard time speaking to us when our hearts are clouded with worry.
I saw it in the lives of people I taught. They weren't ready for the gospel because they felt so bogged down with the needs of a temporal life that bringing them closer to Christ was impossible.

   Please take the time to go through the hierarchy of needs and figure out which ones you need help with. There are resources for all of them. It will help you so much.


Because I was taken care of....

I am so incredibly grateful for the self-worth that the Lord helped me develop through His Gospel, Young Women's program (though many times that was a refining fire because I wasn't always the most popular girl; I had an ugly stage. I'm sure we all remember junior high.) and the music and program of EFY(Especially for Youth). They can all be summed up I think by the phrase from The Help," You is kind, you is smart, you is important."
     I was taught to be kind and loving and Christ-like to the best of my ability. People typically respond positively to kindness, I know I sure do. I remember Brittany Jensen Hoover saw me on campus one day when it had been really rough, listened to my story of a bad day, and later that day made me cookies and dropped them off on a heart shaped plate. You can't help but feel worthwhile when someone will go out of their way to do kind things.
    I was taught to get an education. My mom is a junior high teacher and my dad teaches dental courses and flying, and is an awesome life-changing home teacher. Though school is painstakingly difficult for Thomas and at times seems pointless, I'll always remember Pres. Hinckley telling us to get as much education as we can, women specifically so we can take care of our families if the need arose. Knowing things makes you feel important. Being able to talk about lots of things with other people helps you connect to others and appreciate your situation.
   I was taught specifically from my Heavenly Father both directly and indirectly that I am important.
Because of that knowledge I take care of myself and when I was dating and now that I'm married I didn't allow myself to be placed in situations that would jeopardize my virtue. I wouldn't kiss a guy unless I was dating him. I don't expect everyone to have the same standards as me, I just attest that they made me the strong individual I am. I'm grateful to have had my needs met because I have felt the difference that unresolution brings.

We are what we look at

Lastly, I mentioned EFY earlier and one of the lectures I went to was about our surroundings. The sister who taught it said that we become what we stare at daily. She told a story of a friend of hers that lost her husband at sea and she never wanted her children to join the Navy because of it. She was dumbfounded when all of our children wanted to join the Navy and when she asked them why they said it was because all growing up there were pictures of the ocean, ships, and their father in the navy around their home.
     There's a direct correlation to why the sealer at every sealing I've been to gives the new couple a picture of the temple to have in their house and temple attendance. You are what you stare at.
My students have tried to argue with me that what they see and listen to doesn't effect them. Try it for yourself. What do you have on your walls? Are the positive? Are they negative?
 For those of you struggling with self worth, write on a notecard or sticky note positive things about you, and I guarantee you won't feel worthless for much longer.  


   

Cool tools, compassion, and conference

    Post-surgery
I went to my post op appointment and he checked out my belly button, said it was healing nicely. He has me taking estrogen every other day for a few more weeks. At 8 weeks after the surgery if I haven't a cycle on my own he wants me to kick start it with birth control pills. Fortunately I over ordered when I was on them 2 years ago and we have that taken care of. He also said that once I've had two cycles we are free to start trying again and then when we do get prego he wants to monitor me like a hawk. He was really excited though because he said the operation went flawlessly and I was the first patient of Madison Memorial Hospital to ever use this equipment and the Rep from the supplier was there and he said it was a much smoother process. In other words he was really jazzed about new stuff and I was the first to benefit. Cool :) Yay for new technology. Now just figure out why miscarriages happen and we're in business.

      Compassion
      On the note of miscarriages I have learned that having them sucks. They are an emotional loss and they seem to slow the whole reproductive process down after you have one. Plus the bleeding lasts for weeks and it feels like insult to injury.
      The positives have outweighed the negatives though. I have become more empathetic toward those in my position and the best part is it has even smoothed out some relationships that were going south for lack of compassion for me or people in general. I have said it before and I'll say it again. I don't wish miscarriages on anyone, but they bring out the charity in us like nothing else I've seen. I had a friend and a family member I was angry at for years because I never felt like they gave a dang about others. I was finally able to forgive them enough to speak with them again after years and it turned out to be a healing process for me and a comfort when needed for them. I won't say who it is, so please don't ask, and if you think it's you, I still won't tell you. Needless to say it's been a healing balm to see the humanity that can exist in all of us. To these individuals, I say I feel for what's happened to us, but thank you.

    
      Regional Stake Conference
     We had an awesome stake conference with Elder Nielson of the Seventy, Sister Marriott, and Elder L. Tom Perry. 
      Elder Nielson spoke on becoming, and simply changing. I loved how he said if you see the changes that need to happen, make them. If you don't see anything that needs to be changed, then the truth is not in you. Thomas and I see lots of things we need to change so we feel pretty good about that :) He reminded us that Christ is the master surgeon and will heal the things we can't if we go to Him.  
   Sister Marriott spoke on not being contentious. I really loved how she pointed out we know of things throughout the day that are anger hot spots for us, and that if we pray ahead of those times then we will receive the fortification to not be angry when those times arise.
    Elder Perry spoke about taking care of our "temples" of bodies in every capacity, being trustworthy and honorable, studying the scriptures, and using "toys" of today appropriately such as technology. 

   The thing that really stuck out to me about his talk was the couple sitting next to me. This brother had tennis shoes on(why do we call them that? I don't play tennis, nor do most people haha, or sneakers..not very quiet for sneaking up on people) and he had ear rings. Keep in mind this was in the I-Center at BYUI where there is an honor code people are expected to follow. I thought at first, it's good he's here because this is probably a big step for him in and of itself.
   With that mental picture in mind the girl he was sitting was, I'm assuming girlfriend, was looking with him at pictures on her phone of cats, those silly sketched stick figure comics, and a bunch of other pointless images...while an apostle of the Lord was speaking! I was slightly bothered by it because clearly this person didn't understand the magnitude of this opportunity, so I leaned over and gently said, "y'all are missin an apostle!" with a smile. He replied with that annoyed but kind look of yea yea I've heard him before and said," I'm listening." I felt bad for him. He hadn't prepared to be taught. He was there out of habit, not out of desire. Again I thought, well I don't know this guy's background and this might be a monumental experience just being dressed in a suit and physically present. We'll take that and give him the benefit of the doubt. But I learned something from him.

    I thought of how many times the spirit tries to tell me of something that I'm going to miss because I'm too preoccupied with facebook or pinterest or other nonsense. How many times is the Spirit saying to himself, "she's not prepared to learn." How many times does he tell me "you're missing this!" and I brush it off with a "I'm listening" while looking the other way? Needless to say...

Wisdom from trials 

    To preface, Thomas and I are coming up on our 3rd anniversary. On that note we have a relatively new, but dear friend who is on the verge of a serious relationship. I love to tell our story of Thomas and I starting out because it's pretty funny how it all happened out of thin air without expectation. The more I share my story with this friend the more I realize our situations are almost identical. This friend has had a poor example of what love is and is terrified of commitment and accepting love because it's too good something bad is bound to happen. I shared the fact that I thought of pulling out of my engagement 3 times because of cold feet, but because my husband is loving and patient he never gave up on me. Even after we were married for a  few months, my expectations of love were still freaking me out.
    I'm happy to report, and I shared this with my friend, that I no longer live in fear. Thomas and I have balanced each other out. I hardly have panic attacks anymore and it's never related to us either way. He's become more bubbly and there you have it. 
   We experience different types of love at different times. We have that romantic love when we create it, but the friendship is there all the time. When Thomas was going through a particular trial I wanted to help him through it, not leave him. I've given him plenty of experiences that would give most guys the desire to run, but he hasn't. He makes it seem like he couldn't have scored a better companion and lets me know daily. 

    We've had 4 jobs, 3 miscarriages, live in 3 places, and have owned 3 cars between the two of us. But we have a secret language, know each others' quirks, and I still give me stories to laugh at hen I talk/teach in my sleep. He gently touches me when I'm writhing during a bad dream and then my body calms down. I enjoy bringing him Junior Mints and he's learning to accept gifts. He's learning how to voice his thoughts, especially when they involve planning.

    We haven't figured out what he wants to do/ will do for a career, and I frankly don't care one way or the other. As long as we are doing what we enjoy and follow the spirit that's all I ask for.


As Elder Nielson said in SC today, I can expect one thing. Change. 
To quote the hymn,

"I believe in Christ,
so come what may." 

    Thomas

It only seems fitting...

Disclaimer- I'm not sure if it randomly assigns me a background, but the set up on preview looked kind of up my alley any way so I'm happy about that. 

In less than a month from today Thomas and I will celebrate our 3rd anniversary. In that time I've graduated from BYUI, Thomas and I worked 2 summers in Jackson, I got a job as a high school art teacher, we've had 3 miscarriages-1 resulting in a D&C, and Thomas got the no from the the seminary department therefore leaving him pretty puzzled as to where to go next. I serve as Visiting teaching coordinator and Thomas is the executive secretary. 

I was thinking on Sunday what each miscarriage has taught me. 

1- I read an article in the Ensign back when I was a single in Ft Collins, CO that when a couple miscarries, you shouldn't judge them or ask them when they're going to try again. My first thought to that was, who would judge a couple who miscarries? It's not their fault. And it's not my business when they decide to try again. 
       In hind sight, I should go back and read that because I would need the advice given. Lesson learned?- Don't dismiss counsel because it doesn't apply to you. Chances are, it's going to, or could sooner than you'd think.( I had a recent go with that same idea recently, stay tuned)
       2nd lesson learned- People are so compassionate, and fortunately people didn't ask if there was anything they could do, they just shared their sympathies and remarked on my good outlook. I was grateful for that.

2- 
The second miscarriage taught me and is still teaching me not to be bitter towards other women when they are blessed with successful pregnancies (sometimes I still struggle with that, so if I've been abnormally quiet towards you, please forgive me. I'm just taking time to be happy for you while trying not to get angry and sad.) 
The lesson of tender mercies came as well. The second time around (btw, this one they told me in the first ultrasound that I was either having twins, or I was about to miscarry) the doctors said not to even worry about trying for at least 3 months. Something in my mind switched off and I wasn't baby hungry. So much in fact (here comes the tender mercy) that when I went to a sacrament meeting that was having 3 baby blessings, I felt total peace with the situation. I recognized that was a different response to when there was a couple in our ward about a year ago that was blessing their baby, my eyes welled up and I wondered if I'd have our family there for one. I'm not the self-wallowing type....at least not more than momentarily, so please know, I'm ok 98% of the time :)
I  did take a really big blood test called Factor V Liden to see if I had a genetic blood clotting disorder that a cousin of mine has, and found out I don't have it.

3- The miscarriage that happened just before Thanksgiving taught me or blessed me with the ability to mourn the night it started happening, and then in the doctors office I was all business. I was there purely for answers and I was in research mode. 

I switched doctors and obgyn offices completely and so far I love this new doctor. I recommend him to Rexburg people for sure. Dr Cameron Codd at Seasons. He met with me and was very kind, but matter of fact and said he was going to do everything in his power to make sure my next pregnancy worked. He said he was curious as to if something was blocking my uterus from maintaining pregnancies so he scheduled me for a test that involved a 3-d ultrasound. I also had a really good ultrasound tech, Whitney. Turns out they saw some sort of deviation in my uterus and they scheduled me for surgery. 
      I have almost completely healed from said surgery that happened last Wednesday. That surgery revealed that, what we thought was just a growth of cells dangling in the middle of my uterus catching embryos that were trying to go with no nutrients, was actually a HILL that was taking up a 3rd of my uterus. So they performed a hysteroscopic metroplasty (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sel0YLN_goI)-for those of you medically savy/curious people, here's a video of the gist of what they did to me but not me personally. 

They also had a second surgeon take a camera through my belly button to make sure the knife didn't puncture my uterus, so I'm still healing there but it's fine unless I touch it. 
Coming out of anesthesia was fun. They put me on some knock-out stuff, anti nausea, and anti secretion stuff, plus a catheter. So when I woke up my mouth was super dry, I felt nauseated, and going to the bathroom was near impossible, though I'll spare you the details, except for is was one of my reoccuring living nightmares.

I fortunately had some awesome ward members bring food, including my neighbor Cassie who brought me a slice of toast in bed. One of the other side effects was co2 gas was trying to escape through my body after being used to puff me up, and it caused a lovely not in my right shoulder so painful I couldn't touch it until Friday morning. 

I am sooo grateful though because now I have no obstruction in my uterus and Thomas and I are hopeful that this was the thing stopping my pregnancies from progressing past 8 weeks. Wish us luck when the time is right!

Part 2-

We had a great Valentines Day. We went to the store together (one of my favorite things ever, I think cuz it's so colorful and organized), we just spend the day together and also went with Anna and Andrew to the duck park to feed bread to the ducks.  

 Then we went to this interesting lecture on finding mayan culture in the Book of Mormon, and then we went to a masquerade ball all dolled up. Thomas was so patient with me as a dance partner. We've determined that we know the same moves, but call them different things, and I stink at following. Pictures will come when we get them. 

Part 3-

Remember that lesson heard in yesteryears, but didn't feel applicable to me personally? Well, that would be Elder Bednar's devotional "Things as they really are". Boy did he had prophetic sight on that topic for the world. He warned that we shouldn't spend so much time in the virtual world that we become addicted. He said Satan wants us to misuse our bodies and social media does that by erasing the need to exist in the real world. When I heard it I thought of the dude I was dating and his like of video games. What I didn't think of (because I had such a busy life back then) was that Facebook would be such a time sucker. Back then I was in culinary school full time, going to institute and hanging out with a boyfriend and my groupies. I had no need for it. 

My life is full and rewarding, and I love being with my hubby Thomas..the most patient, forgiving, enduring and endearing person I've ever met. But I have this knack for getting things done at such a fast rate that I need to fill my time, even after a full day at school. 
This does suggest that since I have the time, it can be spent doing scripture study, exercise or beautifying my home. What it means is discipline. But I think it's good for all of us. 


Well, this was going to be lesson learned through miscarriage, but it ended up being a lot more. Now you're clued in if you've been out of the loop the last little bit. :)