This may not be a big deal to some but I'm a really literal person and as most who know me would agree I'm obedient to a fault...That makes going to church for the full 3 hours..or the fact that I haven't attended a full block in months a very weird and confusing reality. It's not for lack of wanting to be there. I've just joined the club of moms in the church that going to church with a baby is rough. I enjoy it, mommy hood, but I've had to lower my expectations of the physical attendance and put more emphasis on the spiritual attendance.
I called my sister asking how church works with babies because Lucy used to let me get through all three hours, then it dropped to through most of sunday school, and now she has enough patience for the sacrament and maybe the rest of that meeting before she melts down. She said to just do your best because that's all anyone can ask.
I felt guilty for not going the whole time when I knew there are moms and dads that have done this for eons. My situation is peculiar though because Thomas is in a singles ward bishopric and therefore not readily available to just take Lucy during the meetings.
I started to ask myself what was the point of going to church for me. Not in a defeatist mindset, but more like why am I going. Is it so I can say I was physically there though I wasn't getting any of the lessons and Lucy was screaming thus ending in me going home and putting her down for a nap? What's the reason we go to church? The main reason is to partake of the sacrament. The rest of the meetings are for the edifying of the members...since my mom in law broke her foot she has been using most of her time to prepare her gospel doctrine lessons. She runs them by me and figures out what direction she is supposed to teach the lesson and I get the lesson for the week in a more intimate setting.
I decided that Sundays I would have no expectations. I would accept how ever long Lucy slept in the morning, take her to the temple grounds before church if there was time, be there for the sacrament and then stay for as much of the meeting, getting out of it what I could, and then when she was in total hysterics I would take her home. Then when home and during her before-church naps I would study the lessons and read from other gospel works.
I want to stay with Lucy and perhaps it would be easier to stay if I weren't the only mom at church, but either way I'm still trying to be as committed as I can. I don't want to start any bad habits and when she is older and able to stay awake for a little longer you can believe I'll be back the whole time.
Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest. I don't know what that is supposed to mean because just like in the mission, Sunday is anything but a day of rest. So I have to really work and plan for it in order to be restful. It's ironic but it's quiet, Lucy is sleeping, I've been able to partake of the sacrament and treasure it more because that is sometimes all I get. I hope to return back soon for the full time and be physically active as well as spiritually active, but for now, what is in my heart will have to do.
I was given a blessing once that told me many have been wounded due to Satan's lies and my heart shall feel and know forgiveness. I had a thought come to me this morning that I will experience the temptations that others go through so that I will feel for those that struggle and know forgiveness. I don't act on the temptations I face but in my mind going home early from church is a rough choice but now I understand that people have all kinds of circumstances and hopefully hearts are in the right place. Those who know me well know I love to participate and add insights and learn from the lessons at church but I'm not able to be there right now, so one on one time with the Spirit will be my lessons.
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