February 1st and the days leading up to it were some of the hardest and most anxious of my life. That day I took a blood test that followed more than a dozen pregnancy at-home tests. They all came back the same. Negative.
I don't to this day know why it effected me so badly. I was physically fine. But emotionally, I was flattened. Maybe it was the people I was doing surrogacy for, and how much they were counting on it to work. Maybe it was because I'd felt so good about the choice to become a surrogate, and how I was invested 1000%. Maybe it was because I quit taking IVF injections cold turkey and my brain, which I was told, and I quote, was being controlled mechanically through meds crashed hard core. I felt miserable for 3-5 days. Not physically. Well...I didn't want to eat. Only did out of necessity. But I was heartbroken and the baby wasn't even mine. I blamed the coordinator at the fertility center for not warning me on the phone call about the negative result that I could experience a crash, knowing that when you are prepared to expect something it's not as bad. Guess I should have just assumed it could happen.Then I had got the surprise that the intended parents wanted to try again with me. So we wait until I have a natural cycle, then start the birth control again, then the shots, then another transfer. This time I'll be prepared for both outcomes.
Eventually I bounced back. Although I have to say I had one of the sweetest experiences with Tommy the afternoon I got the test back. I went to pick him up at a friend's house, and when I saw him it dawned on me that I could pick him up again without risking anything physically. I told him I could pick him up again and he lit up and jumped into my arms and just hugged me tight. Both me and my friend teared up.
Fast forward beginning of March. I was on the phone trying get some mortgage numbers worked out all day because I was not aware that your mortgage can fluctuate based on taxes and building costs and blah blah blah. Public Service Announcement...it can. It can also go down though! Things they probably tell you when you buy the house, but there's a gabajillion papers you sign and it's all kind of a blur. But if finances didn't seem tough enough, I got a call from Thomas that he'd been let go. He could either take a job at the same company with less pay(UNderstatement of the century) or the next day would be his last. I was a wreck the next morning. We hardly slept well, then Tommy and he got sick. Called his mom, my mom, and a few other people that we're close to and I began what feels like the biggest test of faith in God I'd ever experienced.
I've only had a crisis of faith once and even then it was more like I had a weird, scary feeling all the sudden about the Gospel, Church, and everything I'd just come off a mission a year before teaching about. My mom got pretty worried when I shared my concerns, which I almost wouldn't validate myself. Turned out I was just a few weeks away from running into Thomas for the first time at school, would begin dating, and shortly thereafter get married. Needless to say, that test in hindsight was one of those moments where something awesome is about to happen and Satan is PAnIcking. So he twisted what he knew I trusted most.
This time really doesn't make any sense in the grand scheme of things and it's kind of...pathetic is too harsh, but basic, maybe? Thomas losing his job was not something we hadn't gone through. But this time we had a mortgage and a house and neighborhood and ward and city we loved and hadn't been here for more than a year and a half. All the times I'd spent money because we could haunted me and I thought why didn't I save instead so we wouldn't be in this mess? How could I have been so foolish?
Then to make matters even heavier, I asked my boss with blankets if I could take a week off because I was burnt out...(and had been for the last few months, but we "relied" on my job too. She said with regret that she had to let me go. I told her I wasn't surprised, and she was very apologetic because she knows I'm a hard worker, but it was time and we both knew it.
To make this already long story shorter, bills started piling up.
But it would be unfair if I didn't mention the tender mercies. We received help from family for food. We got an anonymous letter in the mail that I almost threw away because it looked like a "we want to buy your house for cash" nonsense. But Thomas opened it and it had a single sentence typed. "It's not much, but I hope it helps a little." Inside that was a $100 bill. I cried a little. My mom cried a little. Thomas's mom cried a little. Then we received $100 venmoed from our neighborhood helper that remained anonymous....I vowed to God that if He got us out of this and ever blessed us with prosperity that I would pay it forward 1000 fold. I got to teach my kids the value and blessing of the Bishop's Storehouse.
The next weeks were the scariest and hardest of my life. I found some odd jobs that have unique stories of their own. It was emotionally draining. Spiritually draining. I prayed harder than I had in my life. And sadly, I never felt more alone, more unheard...sadly...more unbelieving.
Really? I was going to loose my faith over a job loss? It wasn't a serious illness, or death of a loved one, or some identity crisis....though to some extent I have empathy for those in that boat....that's for another story. But I asked some close friends from BYU days why was I flattened so hard with the transfer not taking? Why was this job loss so hard of a blow? Why could I not feel peace and hope that this would work out? Especially when the blessing I received the night Thomas got let go said God was completely aware of our situation. And Thoma's blessing said to be patient twice? Why did my anxiety take over so badly this time? I still don't know. But I read a few days ago about a woman who felt God was silent during one point in her life, and she realized she had turned God into a formulaic God, not a faithful God. He was a spiritual vending machine that if you put in your blessing tokens, you could order the blessings you desired and they'd be delivered with a pretty bow on 2-day free delivery from Amazon. That's not how He operates, no matter how faithful we are.
I was compared to Peter walking on the water. I wasn't wavering yet, but the storm was raging around me and below me, but I wasn't sinking yet. I was reaching for the Savior. I'd also thought back to Harry Potter and the patronus charm. You cast out the darkest, scariest evil you can face by thinking of your happiest memory and letting it fill you completely...then a cute animal of light(mine would be a red panda) blasts out of your wand and chases the darkness away. Gospel works the same way. Fill your soul, mind, body, with Christ and He casts out fear. I was also like the father with the demonic son who said, Lord I believe. Help thou mine unbelief.
After several interviews, crazy calls from wacko companies, and lots of not interesteds Thomas got a phone interview with a company in Provo for the same line of work he'd been doing and learned he really enjoyed. They called him back a few days later to set up an in-person interview for a few weeks later. ThOSE weeks were the hardest...the anticipation and fear of what happens if this falls through? The interview came the week after General Conference and so many messages were on how to feel peace and comfort...and let go of anger. Thomas went, felt confident and peaceful. And all I could do was wait.
One night this last week I shared my feelings of shame with Thomas about how I had been on the verge of a faith crisis and couldn't understand why. He pointed out that up until recently I'd been in control and could take care of things. I wasn't anymore and I had to ask myself, had I ever truly relied on God? Silly question, because I knew I had, but this made me re calibrate where my faith really rested. And I had to trust.
April 6th. I was out with the kids on spring break running errands and one was getting sandbags for some neighbors in case of flooding from possible snow melting too fast. I was away from my phone for about 10 minutes. Those 10 minutes Thomas called...then he texted...then he messaged me on facebook telling me to pick up. lol. I got back in the car after loading the bags and he got through to me..."I got the job...!!!!"
I cried, I shouted for joy...I finally told Lucy what had been going on for the last few weeks. I called family and told friends we saw in person. The nightmare was over.
I woke up the next morning and didn't feel sick to my stomach. The weather was the first real day with blue skies and sunshine in months. We had been delivered. I was now wiser. I had a witness after the trial of my faith.
Thomas starts in a week or so allowing his other job to tie up loose ends. The weather is warming up enough I can go to the park and face paint which will also help. Spring break was actually a lot of fun with the kids just staying local.
One of the nicest blessings was since I wasn't breaking my back over blankets, I felt like giving more attention to my kids, and for probably the first time, I felt like being a good mom, and gave my kids more attention.
The other glimpse I caught from this experience was the truth they teach that when we're done with this life, we'll look back and go, oh was that it? That wasn't so bad. I felt that with this experience.
The irony about all this was I'd always wondered why I wasn't one of those people that go to the celestial room in the temple and just weep...well I did that last week...I don't want to be that person anymore. I'd heard that people come closer to God through trials than they do in any other way, and I wondered what that looked like....I don't need to know what that looks like anymore. Be careful what you pray for!
God is aware of our situations. In the end, He's all that I can rely on.
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