Motherhood is like diggin' ditches

I had a family member tell me they don't think I'm happy where I am in life. With my house, kids, whatever. Truth be told they're kind of right. But not in the way you think.

This is my humble view point. Not doctrine. Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints I live by the Plan of Happiness. The gist is it's a plan our Father in Heaven created for us to be happy. What I think we overlook is part of that plan is this life is lone and dreary much of the time. It's regularly full of challenges. But it also has a lot of happy moments. In high school, I didn't have the same responsibilities I do now. I could hang with my friends after chores were done and did all the time. We had a riot. Now I have a house with kids toys all over the place, with a line of books strewn perfectly and methodically placed under all the clothes lil miss and mr snuggles wear all the time. I'm eating the left-over turkey and blueberries and added my own cheese and crackers to my daughters lunch. I have books under my feet, balloons strewn about with plastic balls accompanying them. After I write this, I'm going to be smart of nap the same time as my kids.

I look around right now and I'm happy. I smile. But 20 minutes ago I was chasing my near 3 year old around corraling her to her bedroom for her nap, then swaddling a tired 5 month old and having to tell my brother, not to be rude, but I gotta cut you off and get kids down.

We live in Utah. Not our favorite choice. But we know this is where the Lord put us. We've had a lot of growing opps and I'm sure more to come. The people we have here have been angels. Lil miss knows the Wasatch area better than most adults with a smart phone. She also can't connect to go potty before you wet your pants, not after. But that's just the stage I'm in. It's glorious but not glamorous. For me, often it's grueling. But I've taken up sewing and feel really excited about it. I use every cupboard and drawer and dish and mostly all our clothes all the time. Marie Kondo....I've been living your lifestyle before it was popular lol.

But honestly, motherhood is like digging ditches for fence posts in the middle of rural Texas. Often it's hard back breaking, soul questioning "I want to go home and rethink my life" from Star Wars kind of work. You get dirty. REally dirty. But you look up and you see some wild life...pun intended...is that a pun?? You see some cool landscape. You feel a breeze of air. And when the job is done, eventually.........................which it probably never is because posts get old and break or ...you get the point. You have a fence. It keeps the things you love protected. It gave you boundaries, and duty for all that time.

MY pay off for motherhood is not all the time right now. I get more sleep than my husband some times. Sometimes I get no sleep and I become Dr. Jekyl Mr. Hyde. But when Lil Miss knows all the words to Book of Mormon stories, Lion King, and runs to someone who is crying to comfort them...it pays off. Later in life when I can pillow talk about boys and help her see she doesn't need a phone to be happy...in fact, people and interacting with family are already her preferred activities anyway...that will be a pay off. When she goes to the temple to do baptisms for the first time singing I love to see the temple, I went inside today.....that will be a pay off.  She takes everyone's dishes to the sink after every meal, says please and thank you and you're welcome, and stacks her crackers perfectly before she eats them. Those are pay offs. Am I on low-dose anti-anxiety meds? yes. But I also use a middle grade inhaler because we can eat the air here...just a different treatment for a different problem.


Bottom line- This life was not intended to be happy all the time. I agree with my friend Cassie, that no one is in love with their kids, job, spouse, or situation all the time. I believe that would be counter-productive...watch pursuit of happiness..I hated that movie because it was depressing. Especially on Christmas day. But later I found the wisdom in it. Crap happens in life. You cry. You break down....but you learn what makes you break and how to be better. I believe the Savior's grace is not always in the form of relief. Some times it's understanding.

Motherhood is something I was always afraid I wouldn't be good at. I am good at it. I don't always like it. My kind of vacation is being a tourist, eating out at awesome cool yummy places, and getting kicked out of places for being ridiculous...those things make memories. Right now, vacation is going places and seeing people I desperately miss. And that's ok. I'm happy.

The cold from hades

So when we went to Disneyland 6 years ago I asked my husbands family which disney princess I would be and instantly his brother Philip replied  Sleeping Beauty. I love sleep. I don't take naps usually but I love my sleep at night. That being said I didn't realize how important it was for me personally until this week. You go through being woken up a lot with a newborn and I hear of kids who don't sleep at all and boy I just can't even imagine. But the kids would sleep this week but I couldn't because I got the worse sinus congestion I've ever had. I would blow and blow and blow my nose and still it won't stop. I can't smell even the strongest things like bleach, peppermint, eucalyptus, dirty diapers. So it's blessing to not smell the bad...but to not be able to breathe...oh man. EUREKA!! I can breathe through my nose for the first time in 5 days! 5 Looooooong days of no sleep because breathing through my mouth dried me out, which caused chapped lips and dry air that made me cough til I choked to death for hours on end.

I was doing really well with the anti-anxiety meds, but put no sleep on top of not being able to breathe plus hearing everyone is your house cough and having no control over any of it......equals meltdowns. Last night was the worst melt down. I felt trapped by everything in my life. Trapped by my body, my kids, our whole family being sick, no sleep, not being able to breathe, not being in Idaho where life was calmer and simpler and we could breathe. I essentially had to be forced to allow my in laws and husband to take control of everything because my whole body just tensed.

You think you have it bad with one sick kid. Then every gets sick. Needless to say it was a rough Christmas. To top it all off I woke up with eyes crusted shut due to a sinus infection so I took out my contacts without knowing I had run out. So I put on my glasses that give me a headache because I'm not used to being an owl, which led to trying to look for non-existent contacts and yelling at Lil miss for playing with my stuff, which led to two days of talking to insurance people about in-network docs and getting a prescription and everyone is booked out. This led to desperation of going to Walmart for a walk in eye exam and meeting a doctor who I can only describe as the when you get an eye exam and they ask you which one is better A or B and B is slightly blurry...this guy was just a little off with everything he said. So I got some new contacts that I can see with and a prescription but won't be returning to him, Ill go to a legit eye doctor asap.

So, things are looking better now that I'm starting to breathe from my nose again and have contacts, and got some sleep last night. It's amazing what drugs do for people.

Didn't know I had post partum

So this week was night and day difference because of a few things.

I started T on formula and a weaning off the pump.
I started a low dose of anti-anxiety meds.
I started taking sunflower lecithin to thin breastmilk.
T kind of slept through the night twice.

Those and a priesthood blessing, names on the temple prayer roll, families going to the temple frequently...all were the reason I'm now able to look at any day or task with hope again.

Let me also say, I understand now the emotions that lead to suicide. But let me also affirm that I have the pain tolerance of a gnat so I'd never be able to go through with it. Plus I can't imagine putting my family through that. My being here is infinitely better for them than not. But what lead up to those desires turned out to be mostly post-partum anxiety/depression.

I couldn't face Little Miss in the morning without being completely irritated that she was up and talking. Loneliness was physically painful and consuming. I was so guilty about yelling all the time and felt little to no joy through out the day.

Last weekend I had a neighbor watch Lil miss while I went to cvs to buy sunflower lecithin because I kept getting clogged ducts which I knew would lead to mastitis. They didn't have them. The pharmacist noticed my duress and called my ob office with me holding back tears to inform them how dire I needed some anti-anxiety meds sent over asap. I went back home and after talking to an ob nurse while tears streamed down my face she asked if my kids were in a safe place and if there was someone I could call. I'd been trying all day. Finally cousins came over and I hopped in the shower for a good 30 minutes trying to work the clogged ducts free. The water had drained my energy and after pumping I was exhausted. Thomas came home to find me nearly passed out. He and his cousin walked me upstairs where I crawled in bed and just cried.

The next day when help came over to prepare for church things got chaotic and I became exasperated over a lost binky. I ended up having a friend sit in for me in primary and I went to the adult classes. I even talked about asking to be released from my calling because preparing a lesson with such little free time was seemingly impossible.

Now I feel confidence again. I smile at Lil miss now and I'm continuing to wean off pumping. Clogs have all but disappeared. My appetite is back.


Moms have this innate desire and ability to take care of everyone else, but never think to take care of themselves.  We need to.

Raw real life right now

Alliteration is awesome...that was for Thomas.

At this moment, I am pumping milk while Tommy, Lucy, and Thomas are all taking a nap. I've been on edge for several weeks because my life has not felt at all like my own. But I had one of those step back and take it in moments.

These are not just perfectly unkept rooms. they are pure evidence of what will only last for a few years and then I'll have the homework stage, then the hormone stage, then the honey moon stage...again with the alliteration.

Usually, these scenes would stress me out. Maybe they don't right now because I have all three napping and it's peaceful and calm...as it usually is this time of day. Before and after is hectic and maddening, and I don't feel I ever handle it well. I constantly hear this doesn't last forever, they grow up so fast, etc. I appreciate that idea and most of the time brace myself and say yup I know. I've never been one to be ocd. Anxiety and depression (though never chronic, thank heaven) were friends of mine for a time and have tried to establish connection again because I again didn't feel I was handling anything well.

A few things that have helped in moments. The Lord told me I have a unique and specific personality for my kids and vice versa. He essentially told me also that emphasizing how inadequate or unnatural I feel at this doesn't help, nor is it true. It's the hardest calling I've ever been given. One that doesn't truly end though it has lots of successful moments.

He also told me I'm not going to receive more help because I've been given what I need, and just need eyes to see it. Looking at my successes also helps. When all I see is Lil miss sad and irritating because I can't play with her or she doesn't listen I feel awful. When I'm stuck pumping every 5 hours and not able to hold Tommy that really stresses me out..or the prospect that I will not always produce enough, or that I constantly have to drink water and think of what I eat...essentially, that my body is not my own more now than when I was pregnant..I get stressed out. I get snappy. I feel doomed. It makes me want to get formula and throw the towel in. I'm hanging on as long as I can though because I see a difference in his weight and health.

I also see that we live in a close knit neighborhood and the kids all play together and we adults all talk to each other...very old fashioned idea but I love that. I see that I have a good handful of regular willing helpers to hold Tommy, play with Lucy, or simply just let me rant.

As best as I can I want to look past the trees in the forest and instead be in a plane overviewing the whole mountain.

The classic question "What do you do all day?"

I'll be honest. I asked this question of homemakers and momy-ers before me. Every one of them seemed to answer with overwhelming assurance that they had so much to do and not enough hours in the day to do it all. Because I didn't have that response, it scared me.

Today, though I guess I asked myself that question, and all the sudden had some value responses.

What do I do all day?

I feed. Clean. Read books and teach. I garden. I harvest a few beans and a handful of raspberries. I mold a young mind. I update family on our little world. I plan. I lead exploration. I introduce. I check up on friends that are struggling. I plan to help someone come to know more about the gospel. I relax. I ponder. I cook. I bake. I sew. I decorate. I stumble and get back up. Some times I lose my cool. I apologize. I teach manners. I wipe a runny nose. I change a diaper and then put a toddler back to bed.

The list goes on and on, but to me for the longest time I took these for granted. There's not a deadline to any of these. No boss looking over my shoulder. But still I'm running the show here.

Your loud plea for acceptance equals demanding my silence and tolerance

From everything to people wanting acceptance for deciding to be openly homosexual, to leaving the church, to running red lights, or not accepting parental responsibility....I'm sick of it. Every time people make these choices they loudly and aggressively demand my acceptance, love, happiness for them, and silence. My opinion has no relevance, nor MY feelings. They are not allowed. They are unwelcome. I'm supposed to let you shout from the roof tops, but when I disagree and out of concern, show sadness, you shove every particle of evidence down my throat as to why I should see things your way.

I get we all have the right to choose what we do. I get these decisions are personal. But I'm allowed my thoughts on the matter. Do you get that? I don't plan to burn your house to the ground. I don't plan to get a voodoo doll and reenact that scene from temple of doom. I simply feel sad. Can you allow me to feel sad? Can you allow what I believe to have validity as well? Why is that so much to ask? If I were intolerant of you it would look like racism in the 60's. I don't segregate myself from you. In fact, I still invite you to dinner and we talk about common ground. If I was intolerant I'd make you wear a star and monitor your every move. Instead, you shout it from the housetops and remind me of your choices regularly.

My own crisis of faith

In response to a sincere post I shared about feeling sad when others leave the Church, many assume I've been completely stalwart my entire life and have no idea I endured my own crisis of faith at perhaps the most surprising time.

I began to suffer from anxiety and depression while I was serving my mission. I found that terribly ironic and shameful because I was teaching that I had the key to happiness and I felt like a fraud for not knowing how the Atonement worked. Turns out I was holding myself and everyone around me to an unrealistic standard, and it's the Grace of Christ that I wasn't sure how to access at the time, and have now a much greater understanding of...on that note...it makes ALL the difference. Many know I left at 10 months, went through counseling, took meds, yada yada. It wasn't until I learned to let the spirit be my guide and years later, learned how to slowly and steadily access the Grace of Christ regularly that I was able to overcome anxiety for the most part and pretty much defeat that period of depression.

I wound up back at BYUI and remember unpacking my car thinking," What was I doing there?" I went to conference with my closest buddies and felt like a fraud because I'd see the sister missionaries just beaming. I remember a conversation I had with one of my besties, Ramos, and said I felt so confused about the church and couldn't pin point why. He told me, if any of the churches were true, it was this one.

I talked to my mom on the phone about how I do the things I know I'm supposed to but something just felt off. She was scared too. It was a real thing I was experiencing. I also was lonely, wanting a best friend because mine physically couldn't be there for me. This was just weeks before meeting and getting to know Thomas.

Things both became clearer, and got muddier at the same time. We dated and he was everything I'd wanted and needed. But I still felt anxious, especially in the temple.

Even the first few years of my marriage I was still troubled with anxiety. Even, if not especially with my lil miss have I ever really felt secure as a mom, and I see plenty of people trumping me in the motherhood department when it comes to being a natural at it. My lil guy on the way has been a very unique source of comfort in that department.


My point is, I've experienced what many would accuse me of having no clue about. Crisis of faith, temptations, anxiety, depression periods, insecurity, etc.  But, the main difference is I made the choice to stick through it, even when things didn't make sense, and came out conqueror in the end in my own understanding and convictions. Turns out through the years, it's always just been a test of faith before some of the best and biggest blessings were to be received.

I know that when they teach that our covenants are what will take care of us, it's true. Keeping them, and continuing to learn about them. I don't believe they were meant to be understood fully in one pass, otherwise why would they say we should regularly attend the temple when we don't have family names? Especially as a couple when possible.

Please know that I simply convey my heartache for those who haven't gotten there. I'm NOT judging. You're right, I don't understand your unique circumstances because I haven't lived your life and been in the deep chambers of your heart. He has, and those who were given the gift of the Holy Ghost, still have that gift when they live worthy of it. I think of it as when I see lil miss struggling with something I totally see she's capable of, and she gives up out of frustration, it makes me sad because I know how close she is if she just keeps at it.

If you're on a journey of self discovery, it is yours to learn from and be on. I just know that the truest source of knowledge, even at times though silent,  is Christ and His restored church with it's revealed truth. The main truth that will get you through ANYTHING, even if it takes years to see it, is learning to access His grace. (Read Sheri Dew's book Amazed by Grace!) It will conquer your depression, your unbeatable temptations, your heartaches.

If the church hasn't answered everything for you yet, I believe that's good. That's what personal revelation is for. But it doesn't make the Church false. (again, that not meant to be offensive). One of the Wilcox brothers told a story about how his dad left the family when they were young and he prayed for years to know why. It wasn't until he became a dad and knew the joys that his dad had missed that he'd gotten an answer. He said he didn't have a pocket in his heart for the answer to be given yet.

Either way I implore anyone, not to give up.

Please forgive me if you've felt condemned by my convictions it was not my intention.

Also, in the spirit of civility, please be kind in responses. This is my journey I've shared. We're all entitled to our own convictions.