Are you pregnant?...not yet! :) ????

 So Thomas and I had this crazy idea come to us that apparently had been formulating for several years. Surrogacy. I have fairly easy pregnancies which is kind of amazing given how I had 3 miscarriages(one with twins) before Lucy. But Lucy and Tommy were pretty easy going in the womb. So Thomas brought of the idea. We looked into egg donation. I'm too old. We looked into donation for him. Logistically didn't make sense. So I applied to about 10 different agencies. Most of them turned me down because of my miscarriage history and because of the anti-anxiety that I'm on though it's super low dosage. So May 11 I get an email from Gestacy Surrogacy agency and they're ready to proceed forward after I had a an initial phone interview.

For those who don't know what gestational surrogacy is, I'm going to carry the child of another mother and father that are able to produce eggs and sperm, but are not physically capable of carrying the child themselves. Many people react 1 of 2 ways....you're doing what??Q??!? or WOA! That's the most amazing thing I've ever heard! The follow up reaction to the first is "how will I give up a baby?" Answer-it's not mine. I'm just the vessel. I weirdly enough have the perfect personality for it. One of the requirements by most agencies if not all is that you have to have carried your own child successfully. That's for obvious reason. It's also very expensive so they want as little risk with the surrogate as possible. There's extensive background checks both physically, mentally, emotionally, and ob wise. Most women go to the ob because they're pregnant. I had to go to make sure I was ok to get pregnant haha.

Why am I doing this? A few reasons. The first was already mentioned. Relatively easy pregnancies. The second was also kind of mentioned. We've gone through the pain of not being able to have kids of our own at first and wanted to help someone receive that blessing when they themselves are incapable. Third, it compensates really well.

My process was almost stopped because I don't believe in abortion. If there's a heart beat I won't terminate, and that didn't sit well with the first intended parents. I was even asked what if the quality of life wouldn't have been good. Well I've heard plenty of stories of babies that were promised an ill fitting life and turned out fine, so you just don't know. 

The funny part is the fertility center that I'm going through is 5 minutes down the road. When the agency asked me where I lived they were in disbelief because most people have to travel and fly for their appointments. Mine is a 5 minute drive. 

I was told when I was accepted for this journey I was going to have to take birth control and hormone shots in the rear. I donate (or use to) plasma twice a week, so needles weren't exactly awful for me, but I still wasn't thrilled about 2 shots twice a day for 14 weeks.

Had my physical and water ultrasound with the fertility center. I asked why they didn't just go off my natural cycle instead of hormones and they said it was totally possible, but I had to come in regularly for ultrasounds, which I said wasn't a problem because of my close proximity. They said I was physically good except for some minor adhesions in my uterus that had to be removed first, so that meant a minor surgery. I also had some skin growths to get checked out. That was one busy week! The surgery went fine.

 

Fast forward to December 30th. Last day of birth control. Hormone shots start on Tuesday along with baby aspirin every day. I take one hormone on Tuesday and Friday evenings until implantation, then I start another hormone in the mornings as well as suppositories in the mornings. I do those for another 10 weeks then I graduate to the OB office. 

The hope is 10 days after implantation I take a blood test to determine if I'm pregnant. The 2 days after implantation are called "Princess Days". I have to keep everything lowwwwww key to make sure implantation takes. This should be an interesting challenge given I have 2 squirely kids. Any takers for sitters that day? haha. 

 If all goes well I should be having another couple's baby in October. Fingers crossed!

So they'll always remember

 As we're studying Moses and the children of Israel this week in Come Follow Me, I'm once again dumb founded and annoyed that the children of Israel saw miracle after miracle and never learned to trust the Lord. They complained because they were slaves, I give that one to them. But they were delivered out of Egypt and spared many of the plagues if they did what Moses told them to. They complained that they'd been led out of Egypt only for Pharoh to come after them and they said it would have been better we were slaves, cuz then we had food and they felt trapped. They had a serious case of the hangries. So God delivered them through the Red Sea on dry ground and drowned the Egpytians. They complained about water. Granted they were thirsty. 

In each case, I get their plight and so did God. But their attitude sucked. Why do we have to go through this? Instead, they should have asked, Lord, please help us. We know you can. One is hopeful, faithful, and grateful. It recognizes trust in God, of which He asks for all the time because we for some reason have a hard time believing we can. 

The last few years have been a real challenge for us. Me with my awesome but in many ways needy kids. My anxiety and insecurities as a mom. Thomas's rough goes with work. Never feeling quite at home where we were. Seemingly unending colds. The obvious ugly quarantine with Covid...I swear I still have ptsd from quarantine. Just always have to be out. But instead of that part I like to think of the current part.

Thomas and I have always been the type of people to say, Lord, we will do what you want, where you want, when you want. But if it's possible, can we go somewhere else? Soon after that prayer, Thomas found a much better job, we found a house close to his work and mine, sold our house in west valley, I took up facepainting and love it! The kids made new friends and it's an overall much better set up.

The Lord put us here. It's a bit strenuous in some ways but we're overall much happier.

Perspective has been a good teacher lately. There's a war going on between Ukraine and Russia. My extended family experienced a death that kicked everyone to the ground and broke everyone's heart because there was no one more pure than her. Closer family of mine hurt their back and is in constant pain, and a friend of theirs is going through some real tough life changing situations. My troubles seem so small.

I don't want to be like the children of Israel and forget who brought me through my hard times, and led me to the good, and can bring me through the coming fights. 

 

I wish I was less intereste

Food blog #1- Gourmandise The Bakery Salt Lake

 Anyone who knows me knows I love food, specifically going out to eat. But I also have a weak spot for fancy food, specifically desserts. That's my escape. Hershey bars are gross. Especially since I've been to Europe and tried real chocolate, but I'll take a Toblerone as a close second. I've decided to share my wonders when I find them.

Gourmandise The Bakery

    I found out about this place through Only in Utah, a subscription that emails you about cool things from restaurants to hikes to ghost towns. I checked out the menu and was instantly intrigued. They have the perfect blend of fancy but familiar. There are 3 locations, one in uptown Salt Lake, Draper, and American Fork. It was off the beaten path but from when we got there to when we left the place was always packed. And for good reason. They have pastries up the ying-yang and they don't leave anything out in the description so you can taste it as you read it and have to try it. They're middle range pricey, so if you're looking for a little bit more reasonable budget, go to Kneaders.

    I got the proscuitto artichoke mozzarella sandwich and the cobb salad without the blue cheese crumbles or dressing, and instead got their house ranch. THAT made a big difference I'm guessing because I'm still thinking about when I can go back and get another. Thomas, my husband, got a beef brisket grilled cheese with vidalia onions, aka sweet onions. For dessert we got a raspberry mousse slice and a chocolate mousse slice. The raspberry was less sweet and could be eaten in one sitting. The chocolate had to be shared and my kids did the best little happy dance.

     The atmosphere of this little place is french cafe with its indoor outdoor seating options, hanging lights, clean, simple interior, and shrubbery enclosing you with little birds chirping all around along with pleasant piano music in the background. I saw a mixture of fancy dressers and casual diners. This place fits everyone, even kids.

     The way they take orders is cool too because they have a little hand held machine that they take notes on and it transfers right to the kitchen so you don't get a mess up in you order.

    The only downside was they didn't have the chocolate hedgehog I read about on the menu because apparently the little dude flies out the door.

     All I can say is I can't wait to go back. It might even been worth having door dash deliver but honestly half the fun is going and being there and watching everyone enjoy themself.

anxiety about this stage of life

Anyone else feel like we've been raised to have goals until you've had kids and then it's free range? Like get baptized, serve a mission, get married, have kids.......................then what? Raise those kids righteously. Ok......any parameters you wanna throw out there? I met with a hometown friend today that mentioned that kids are all so different and conference seems more concerned with cheering us on. But guys, let me tell you. I don't do blank canvas well....never have. Too many possibilities. Too much freedom. I paint. We all know this, and when I have a picture to go off of I nail it.

I had a similar experience when I was trying to decide between mission and marriage. I told the Lord I would go whichever way He told me to............nothing. Turns out He's DANG serious about our choices and us making them. I want to say I felt Him tell me to serve, but really I kind of just put words in His mouth and went. That was obviously a correct choice but He didn't tell me it was the RIGHT one until a MONTH before I came home.

I struggle hard core being a mom. It's blank canvas after blank canvas and I know the Lord likes to stretch us but today was one of those days( thank heavens minus the bit we spent with my high school buddy) that I just felt trapped. I feel like I'm living Groundhog day and after a while I just start picking up hobbies because I have the time.

Last night in our self reliance personal finance class they had the activity "make a 5 year plan". I was frustrated because this has already been on my mind for months and I still feel purposeless, directionless, and many days feel meaningless. I feel like a high school kid who's only purpose is to find people to hang out with and go to the mall. I have so much free time on my hands that I don't know what to do with and I hate it. I am an extrovert that feels like I'm on an island. Don't know how to relate? Try thinking of sticking an extrovert in the middle of a party or a concert.

I know the kids are going to get older but I need serious help with the now. It was pointed out to me recently that we don't live in the now. I have been thinking about how good life was in high school because I always have stuff going on and my buddies and I were the best of friends and there was a good group of us. I think back to college time and free time started to creep in.

As I've pondered, I've never done well with free time. It's always scared me.

The good news is I recognize my anxiety and calmly say it's not a big deal and it will pass. But I honestly can't wait for this time of life to be done. But the hardest part about it is I feel like I'm already retired and I don't know what I'll do when I do retire.

Alls I want is more structure. I know it's a personal matter and it's different for everyone but this week I felt pretty isolated...I feel isolated a lot. To those who've been there for me, you're rockstars.

Moms-how do you deal with this?

momma sevys chocolate chip cookies

If you've had them, you'll never forget them.

1/2 c butter(If you use Margarine you need to melt it, freeze it, and then drain the excess water out)
1/2 c shortening
1 c sugar
1 c brown sugar
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 pck instant vanilla mix(dry!)
2 eggs
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
2 3/4 c flour
1 c milk chocolate chips

Preheat 375.
Cream the wet stuff and the vanilla pudding. Add in the rest. Try not to eat all the dough.

Bake on an UPSIDE DOWN cookie sheet(helps get more air flow for an even bake 8 minutes.

I may have married into the family because of this recipe :)

minis how to

1. Design 24 6x6 squares in a 4x4 block. Make sure fabric is laying nap down from top to bottom.

2. Baste stitch the top row with highest stitch length your machine allows.

3. Pin each piece to the top of the other. Once a row is complete, sew it so squares are connected but not sewn on top of each other.

4. Pin each corner thread in thread so corners are perfect. Finish front by making sure there are no puckers, corners match perfectly.

5. Design the back. Sew to a whole block. Match front to back. Pin in middles and seams leaving a square open to flip. Sew, then turn inside out.

6. Half in top stitch. Pull seams so they're as exposed as possible.

A Perfect blanket has no puckers, perfect width in the top stitch, and corners match with a flat-laying blanket.

What women want...then there's what women need

During my post-partem agitation I learned something I believe to be crucial. The Relief Society motto in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints starts off by saying "We are daughters of God and our lives have meaning, purpose, and direction." ...Or something like that. What I learned is we have to FEEL like our lives have meaning, purpose, and direction as well as actually have them, because if we don't FEEL it, we're doomed on the inside....or so I've observed.

I asked people for a year to two straight about how do you find meaning in motherhood and being a homemaker. I knew the answer would have to be personal through revelation as what is important to me is not to someone else.

I was a mom of one firecracker and filling my days was terrifying. I was lead to ask my sister-in-law Jocelyn about the minky blankets she sews and found that to be a PASSION. At first it was down right difficult and seemingly impossible. But the Lord likes to work with impossible and 7 mini minky blankets later, I was chizzled enough to do them and make money. Now I make them without blinking an eye and I'm always interested in helping those who want to learn and join in do so.

I remember watching Greatest showman thinking "I don't have a million dream keeping me awake". I felt like a purposely drifter. I watched Julie and Julia thinking this was the exact process I went through. Now I'm a minky mama making, Lime scooter juicin', Roadie gig drivin' woman with two awesome kids and a knock out hubby that have always been that way...I just couldn't see past my purposeless blinders.

If you feel depressed...pray to find that hobby that gives you  purpose. It will truly save your life. I know the Lord lives and guides me daily because I couldn't do it all without his nudges in the right directions.

Oh and be careful. Small things lead to big things. For good or not good.