The cold from hades

So when we went to Disneyland 6 years ago I asked my husbands family which disney princess I would be and instantly his brother Philip replied  Sleeping Beauty. I love sleep. I don't take naps usually but I love my sleep at night. That being said I didn't realize how important it was for me personally until this week. You go through being woken up a lot with a newborn and I hear of kids who don't sleep at all and boy I just can't even imagine. But the kids would sleep this week but I couldn't because I got the worse sinus congestion I've ever had. I would blow and blow and blow my nose and still it won't stop. I can't smell even the strongest things like bleach, peppermint, eucalyptus, dirty diapers. So it's blessing to not smell the bad...but to not be able to breathe...oh man. EUREKA!! I can breathe through my nose for the first time in 5 days! 5 Looooooong days of no sleep because breathing through my mouth dried me out, which caused chapped lips and dry air that made me cough til I choked to death for hours on end.

I was doing really well with the anti-anxiety meds, but put no sleep on top of not being able to breathe plus hearing everyone is your house cough and having no control over any of it......equals meltdowns. Last night was the worst melt down. I felt trapped by everything in my life. Trapped by my body, my kids, our whole family being sick, no sleep, not being able to breathe, not being in Idaho where life was calmer and simpler and we could breathe. I essentially had to be forced to allow my in laws and husband to take control of everything because my whole body just tensed.

You think you have it bad with one sick kid. Then every gets sick. Needless to say it was a rough Christmas. To top it all off I woke up with eyes crusted shut due to a sinus infection so I took out my contacts without knowing I had run out. So I put on my glasses that give me a headache because I'm not used to being an owl, which led to trying to look for non-existent contacts and yelling at Lil miss for playing with my stuff, which led to two days of talking to insurance people about in-network docs and getting a prescription and everyone is booked out. This led to desperation of going to Walmart for a walk in eye exam and meeting a doctor who I can only describe as the when you get an eye exam and they ask you which one is better A or B and B is slightly blurry...this guy was just a little off with everything he said. So I got some new contacts that I can see with and a prescription but won't be returning to him, Ill go to a legit eye doctor asap.

So, things are looking better now that I'm starting to breathe from my nose again and have contacts, and got some sleep last night. It's amazing what drugs do for people.

Didn't know I had post partum

So this week was night and day difference because of a few things.

I started T on formula and a weaning off the pump.
I started a low dose of anti-anxiety meds.
I started taking sunflower lecithin to thin breastmilk.
T kind of slept through the night twice.

Those and a priesthood blessing, names on the temple prayer roll, families going to the temple frequently...all were the reason I'm now able to look at any day or task with hope again.

Let me also say, I understand now the emotions that lead to suicide. But let me also affirm that I have the pain tolerance of a gnat so I'd never be able to go through with it. Plus I can't imagine putting my family through that. My being here is infinitely better for them than not. But what lead up to those desires turned out to be mostly post-partum anxiety/depression.

I couldn't face Little Miss in the morning without being completely irritated that she was up and talking. Loneliness was physically painful and consuming. I was so guilty about yelling all the time and felt little to no joy through out the day.

Last weekend I had a neighbor watch Lil miss while I went to cvs to buy sunflower lecithin because I kept getting clogged ducts which I knew would lead to mastitis. They didn't have them. The pharmacist noticed my duress and called my ob office with me holding back tears to inform them how dire I needed some anti-anxiety meds sent over asap. I went back home and after talking to an ob nurse while tears streamed down my face she asked if my kids were in a safe place and if there was someone I could call. I'd been trying all day. Finally cousins came over and I hopped in the shower for a good 30 minutes trying to work the clogged ducts free. The water had drained my energy and after pumping I was exhausted. Thomas came home to find me nearly passed out. He and his cousin walked me upstairs where I crawled in bed and just cried.

The next day when help came over to prepare for church things got chaotic and I became exasperated over a lost binky. I ended up having a friend sit in for me in primary and I went to the adult classes. I even talked about asking to be released from my calling because preparing a lesson with such little free time was seemingly impossible.

Now I feel confidence again. I smile at Lil miss now and I'm continuing to wean off pumping. Clogs have all but disappeared. My appetite is back.


Moms have this innate desire and ability to take care of everyone else, but never think to take care of themselves.  We need to.

Raw real life right now

Alliteration is awesome...that was for Thomas.

At this moment, I am pumping milk while Tommy, Lucy, and Thomas are all taking a nap. I've been on edge for several weeks because my life has not felt at all like my own. But I had one of those step back and take it in moments.

These are not just perfectly unkept rooms. they are pure evidence of what will only last for a few years and then I'll have the homework stage, then the hormone stage, then the honey moon stage...again with the alliteration.

Usually, these scenes would stress me out. Maybe they don't right now because I have all three napping and it's peaceful and calm...as it usually is this time of day. Before and after is hectic and maddening, and I don't feel I ever handle it well. I constantly hear this doesn't last forever, they grow up so fast, etc. I appreciate that idea and most of the time brace myself and say yup I know. I've never been one to be ocd. Anxiety and depression (though never chronic, thank heaven) were friends of mine for a time and have tried to establish connection again because I again didn't feel I was handling anything well.

A few things that have helped in moments. The Lord told me I have a unique and specific personality for my kids and vice versa. He essentially told me also that emphasizing how inadequate or unnatural I feel at this doesn't help, nor is it true. It's the hardest calling I've ever been given. One that doesn't truly end though it has lots of successful moments.

He also told me I'm not going to receive more help because I've been given what I need, and just need eyes to see it. Looking at my successes also helps. When all I see is Lil miss sad and irritating because I can't play with her or she doesn't listen I feel awful. When I'm stuck pumping every 5 hours and not able to hold Tommy that really stresses me out..or the prospect that I will not always produce enough, or that I constantly have to drink water and think of what I eat...essentially, that my body is not my own more now than when I was pregnant..I get stressed out. I get snappy. I feel doomed. It makes me want to get formula and throw the towel in. I'm hanging on as long as I can though because I see a difference in his weight and health.

I also see that we live in a close knit neighborhood and the kids all play together and we adults all talk to each other...very old fashioned idea but I love that. I see that I have a good handful of regular willing helpers to hold Tommy, play with Lucy, or simply just let me rant.

As best as I can I want to look past the trees in the forest and instead be in a plane overviewing the whole mountain.

The classic question "What do you do all day?"

I'll be honest. I asked this question of homemakers and momy-ers before me. Every one of them seemed to answer with overwhelming assurance that they had so much to do and not enough hours in the day to do it all. Because I didn't have that response, it scared me.

Today, though I guess I asked myself that question, and all the sudden had some value responses.

What do I do all day?

I feed. Clean. Read books and teach. I garden. I harvest a few beans and a handful of raspberries. I mold a young mind. I update family on our little world. I plan. I lead exploration. I introduce. I check up on friends that are struggling. I plan to help someone come to know more about the gospel. I relax. I ponder. I cook. I bake. I sew. I decorate. I stumble and get back up. Some times I lose my cool. I apologize. I teach manners. I wipe a runny nose. I change a diaper and then put a toddler back to bed.

The list goes on and on, but to me for the longest time I took these for granted. There's not a deadline to any of these. No boss looking over my shoulder. But still I'm running the show here.

Your loud plea for acceptance equals demanding my silence and tolerance

From everything to people wanting acceptance for deciding to be openly homosexual, to leaving the church, to running red lights, or not accepting parental responsibility....I'm sick of it. Every time people make these choices they loudly and aggressively demand my acceptance, love, happiness for them, and silence. My opinion has no relevance, nor MY feelings. They are not allowed. They are unwelcome. I'm supposed to let you shout from the roof tops, but when I disagree and out of concern, show sadness, you shove every particle of evidence down my throat as to why I should see things your way.

I get we all have the right to choose what we do. I get these decisions are personal. But I'm allowed my thoughts on the matter. Do you get that? I don't plan to burn your house to the ground. I don't plan to get a voodoo doll and reenact that scene from temple of doom. I simply feel sad. Can you allow me to feel sad? Can you allow what I believe to have validity as well? Why is that so much to ask? If I were intolerant of you it would look like racism in the 60's. I don't segregate myself from you. In fact, I still invite you to dinner and we talk about common ground. If I was intolerant I'd make you wear a star and monitor your every move. Instead, you shout it from the housetops and remind me of your choices regularly.

My own crisis of faith

In response to a sincere post I shared about feeling sad when others leave the Church, many assume I've been completely stalwart my entire life and have no idea I endured my own crisis of faith at perhaps the most surprising time.

I began to suffer from anxiety and depression while I was serving my mission. I found that terribly ironic and shameful because I was teaching that I had the key to happiness and I felt like a fraud for not knowing how the Atonement worked. Turns out I was holding myself and everyone around me to an unrealistic standard, and it's the Grace of Christ that I wasn't sure how to access at the time, and have now a much greater understanding of...on that note...it makes ALL the difference. Many know I left at 10 months, went through counseling, took meds, yada yada. It wasn't until I learned to let the spirit be my guide and years later, learned how to slowly and steadily access the Grace of Christ regularly that I was able to overcome anxiety for the most part and pretty much defeat that period of depression.

I wound up back at BYUI and remember unpacking my car thinking," What was I doing there?" I went to conference with my closest buddies and felt like a fraud because I'd see the sister missionaries just beaming. I remember a conversation I had with one of my besties, Ramos, and said I felt so confused about the church and couldn't pin point why. He told me, if any of the churches were true, it was this one.

I talked to my mom on the phone about how I do the things I know I'm supposed to but something just felt off. She was scared too. It was a real thing I was experiencing. I also was lonely, wanting a best friend because mine physically couldn't be there for me. This was just weeks before meeting and getting to know Thomas.

Things both became clearer, and got muddier at the same time. We dated and he was everything I'd wanted and needed. But I still felt anxious, especially in the temple.

Even the first few years of my marriage I was still troubled with anxiety. Even, if not especially with my lil miss have I ever really felt secure as a mom, and I see plenty of people trumping me in the motherhood department when it comes to being a natural at it. My lil guy on the way has been a very unique source of comfort in that department.


My point is, I've experienced what many would accuse me of having no clue about. Crisis of faith, temptations, anxiety, depression periods, insecurity, etc.  But, the main difference is I made the choice to stick through it, even when things didn't make sense, and came out conqueror in the end in my own understanding and convictions. Turns out through the years, it's always just been a test of faith before some of the best and biggest blessings were to be received.

I know that when they teach that our covenants are what will take care of us, it's true. Keeping them, and continuing to learn about them. I don't believe they were meant to be understood fully in one pass, otherwise why would they say we should regularly attend the temple when we don't have family names? Especially as a couple when possible.

Please know that I simply convey my heartache for those who haven't gotten there. I'm NOT judging. You're right, I don't understand your unique circumstances because I haven't lived your life and been in the deep chambers of your heart. He has, and those who were given the gift of the Holy Ghost, still have that gift when they live worthy of it. I think of it as when I see lil miss struggling with something I totally see she's capable of, and she gives up out of frustration, it makes me sad because I know how close she is if she just keeps at it.

If you're on a journey of self discovery, it is yours to learn from and be on. I just know that the truest source of knowledge, even at times though silent,  is Christ and His restored church with it's revealed truth. The main truth that will get you through ANYTHING, even if it takes years to see it, is learning to access His grace. (Read Sheri Dew's book Amazed by Grace!) It will conquer your depression, your unbeatable temptations, your heartaches.

If the church hasn't answered everything for you yet, I believe that's good. That's what personal revelation is for. But it doesn't make the Church false. (again, that not meant to be offensive). One of the Wilcox brothers told a story about how his dad left the family when they were young and he prayed for years to know why. It wasn't until he became a dad and knew the joys that his dad had missed that he'd gotten an answer. He said he didn't have a pocket in his heart for the answer to be given yet.

Either way I implore anyone, not to give up.

Please forgive me if you've felt condemned by my convictions it was not my intention.

Also, in the spirit of civility, please be kind in responses. This is my journey I've shared. We're all entitled to our own convictions.

Got to play swim coach

I always get antsy and tired when I don't have something planned to do with Lucy. Today I decided to take her to the Sandy fun center. It was an awesome bang for the buck though I was unsure how Lucy would do with swimming without her security blanket, Thomas. The other hard part is she has a hard time communicating between two options. Either ors...I finally got her to say yes I want to go swimming, because she kept saying she wanted to go down a slide...I didn't know where she meant. We got her changed and she booked it for the kiddie pool which was only a foot and a half deep...felt deeper when not dressed in a swim suit, as I wasn't...cuz why would I need to if it was only that deep. Lucy found the slide and before I could get to her or be in reach of her ears anymore she plunged down a 4 four water slide into unknown territory. She went under and didn't know how to get up again. She wasn't wearing floaties because I anticipated being right there the whole time...but again she got ahead of me. The life guard was so bored he didn't notice the little girl struggling with a panic to get her sea legs, and she hadn't been taught yet to just stand up. I was able to get through the other parahna kids obliviously playing around her and pull her up for air, to which end she started to cry from a pretty good panic attack. I don't blame her. I don't think I'll ever forget the look on her face.

I sat her down on my lap with a towel, calmed her down, and explained she needs to wait until I'm at the bottom of the slide. She also needed to remember to "find her legs" or stand. This incident happened at least two more times just because she didn't think to make sure it was clear of other kids. Long story short she is fine. In fact after learning from those terrifying moments she became determined to "stick the landing" and then got comfortable to do it with just my supervision and not me catching her. It was cool to see the satisfaction of her discovered, recognized mastery. It was really frustrating that the boredom the lifeguards were experiencing got in the way several times of them not noticing my obviously pre-drowning little girl. On top of that, one of them was wearing full fledge street clothes including shoes and socks.


I wish I wasn't so concerned on that time with getting my clothes wet as I should have been about jumping in and getting her air faster. In a real emergency, more than this one, would I even have the maternal instinct to put it aside and jump in regardless of what happened to me. Perhaps I didn't view it as a huge emergency in my subconscious.  Perhaps it was a tender mercy that I didn't freak out so I could pull her out.

Facebook doesn't get to steal my thunder

After President Nelson issued the youth a challenge to take a week long fast from social media, it gave me a perfect time to do the same since I was getting irritated with the slander that facebook has turned into. My other beef with fb is that while I was excited to share the fun moments of little miss with people, it started to steal my thunder when telling stories about what was going on in life. People would ask," How've you been?" I would tell them and then they'd say, "oh yea, I saw that on fb!" Well then what becomes the point of asking, or face to face interaction? So I have been using fb as a way to put my art out there, but even minimally because then people can just see it and don't buy it. I've also used it to put announcements up or get recommendations. I still want to share what's going on with us and perhaps you might wonder how a blog is different that fb stealing thunder. Well in a way I guess it isn't, but I felt strongly I needed to still keep track of her growing moments.

We went to the aerospace museum on Hill Air Force Base and Lucy is just like her Papa in the way she loves air planes. It's a massive museum with military planes outside as well as two massive hangers full of planes from different wars.

 this girl loves buckles.

 the model home porch of the Saving Private Ryan story.

 If you can't tell, Lucy is standing in front of the front wheels...this thing was huge!

Last weekend I participated in West Fest with a friend of mine and we tried selling our talents, painting, and crotched toys and sewn project bags. It was an exhausting weekend that produced very little but now we know we'll stick to selling online and word of mouth. Lucy got to try a carnival ride so that was fun, but it was 3 days of eating out and I got sick from all the hubbub.

So after that I was determined to cook at home every night and everything was pretty good! Last night we made two ingredient pizza dough using self rising flour and greek yogurt for a pepperoni pizza and it was actually really good! We had homemade chocolate chip cookies for dessert.

I also made homemade ice cream and threw in some homegrown raspberries that were already here when we bought the house.

I'm nearly 30 weeks with little Tommy and he is quite a yogi with a sweet tooth. I don't remember being this tired with Lucy but I also didn't have Lucy around the last time.

Food wise, Lucy loves olives, tomatoes, trail mix, yogurt, pancakes or waffles, bacon, cheese, asparagus. She is allergic to raspberries and cantaloupe and they cause her to break out.


She sleeps with a pillow on top of her that she sticks her hands into and sticks her tongue out a tiny bit and sucks on it.

She's got the memory of an elephant and she's like her aunt Andrea when it comes to telling you where to find hidden things. She can count to 6 and then she jumbles the last few, knows her colors, and remembers people and events like none other.

She likes to interrupt and say," Daddy, don't talk to mommy" then which Thomas asks if he can talk to himself, which she oks, then proceeds with his story.

We have a bunny a few houses down that we feed a carrot to every morning on our walk that we call Thumper.  She's got all the houses memorized in our neighborhood and is so spacial-wise that when we are a block away from the Salt lake temple she says," Jesus lives there!" and let's go to dinos! which is an in door play around across the street from the temple in City Creek mall.

She loves nursery, primary songs, and reading scriptures. She loves to read and when we read a book to her once she can pretty much tell the story after that.

She loves to help turn the water on when we water the lawn or garden and after warming up to it likes to play in the water. If daddy is there she'll full flegde  play in the water but otherwise she's a chicken lol.

She obsessed with buckles and buckling them, especially in baby brother's car seat.


Thomas and I went to the Music Man at the new Hale theather in Sandy. If you want something fun to do go to one of their shows. They are awesome and fairly priced!

Ryan and his friend Kristen came and helped put baseboards in our house and did an awesome job. It was hectic and Lucy got like no naps and was teething with 2 yr molars, but all part of the fun haha.

I also got released months ago from Young Women president and am now a primary teacher...a calling I feel much more natural at. Thomas got put in as the Elders quorum president. Either way  Lucy is used to one of us going to meetings lol.