We are not hard-wired to faults. We are hard-wired to Follow Him.

 A close family member uses this excuse for anyone with a bad habit in our family. "They are just hard-wired that way." I never agreed with it, and now I understand why.

Each of those members of our family that they use that excuse for were also baptized making a covenant to follow Christ and be like Him, but more importantly, they were told to receive the Holy Ghost. THAT is the moment they started becoming "hard-wired", but not for sin, but for following the Savior.

The big tide of confusion in our world today amongst many others is that of gender dysphoria or also same- gender attraction and the million offshoots that Satan has attached to them and creates more each day. The idea that you are attracted to the same gender. Or feeling like you're a man, trapped in a woman's body. Or that you're not attracted to either gender physically. They call them gay, lesbian, transgender, queer, and a million other names. They've even tried to label heterosexuals as CIS gender-meaning, what you were assigned at birth, they got it right. There is no such thing as that title. There's women and there's men. Everything else is a man-made lie, however convincing or real they may seem. 

Our genders are eternal because our spirits our eternal. You can't change your spirit in that way they try to medically change their gender or even anatomy. You CAN however listen to the wrong influence, Satan, for so long, that you believe his lies(I wish I could make the "h" on "his" even tinier, because he's just that meaningless.) 

I heard of a Priests Quorum advisor that taught 2 hard-core drug addicts during his mission, unwillingly at first. But after promising to teach with them only if they cleaned their room so the Spirit could be there. The one listened and wanted to be baptized and become clean but he said he was too addicted, that it meant everything to him and he couldn't change. They came back a while later to be told he was gone, most likely dead from an overdose. It wasn't until months later he got a call from the young man's mom saying, through tears, that as a missionary, this advisor had saved her sons life because he felt the truth of the Spirit, hitch-hiked home across the country to his parents, asked for help, got admitted to a rehab facility, got clean, and was baptized. The addiction is powerful, but not more than the Savior's Grace from His Atonement.

Several close family members, past and present, suffer from anxiety, including myself. But during a particularly difficult time a tender young family member was given a blessing that I'll never forget, and I won't let them forget it either. It said they was specifically given anxiety from the Lord to bring them closer to Him. 

If we looked at all our temptations, struggles, weaknesses, and sins like that, we'd never be victim to them. This sweet soul will be baptized in a few months and will receive the Holy Ghost. I plan to emphasize that that Gift will help them overcome everything and anything, as I've already told them in the past.

Another close family member met their worst fear on their mission. They met a woman who after a minute with her, sensed the gal had given in to homosexual feelings (who was an inactive member and had one point served a mission, too) and my family member became scared because they too, have struggled with some form of those feelings for a long time. They shared it with their mission president's wife and she didn't judge them, but affirmed it could happen and those feelings were powerful, but she didn't say REAL. 

Later this same family member would marry their spouse and they would see any weakness as just that, a weakness, not a TRAIT. They don't own us, we don't own them. This person confidently states they have no "closet" to come out of and never will, because they refuse to let their soul be hard-wired to something it's not. 

Another dear family member used to say they had "a firery-Italian side"and "it" wasn't afraid to let people "have it". But this person learned that that wasn't their true identity and has learned to harness it, push it down, and listen to the Spirit instead, and funny enough as extinguished many "fires" in others because they didn't let that "firery" side be the winner. They called it bossing your brain...I call it, the Spirit.

If my kids ever come to me saying they're gay, or trans, or drug addicts, or porn addicts, or anorexic-I will never say, Ok, I love you, will always love you, but let's work with the Spirit to train their souls to know the truth and fight the lies.

Transfer #2-What a week that 9 days was!

 I was scheduled for transfer #2 Monday, June 26th. Well, Sunday morning before at 4:30 a.m. I wake up because I can't breathe very well. It continues like this til I get up and feed the kids at around 7. Then I felt nauseous and dizzy and I told Thomas I think it best if I went to the ER. He agreed. So I showed up just before 8 am with labored breathing and a tight chest. They got me a breathing treatment, took blood samples, x-rays of my chest, ct scans to rule out blood clots, called their oncologist because my white blood count was 25 (normal is like 3-10). That guy said it was highly unlikely it's cancer because my wbc a month ago was totally normal and cancer doesn't happen that fast. Or at least he highly doubted it. So they thought it was an infection, but from what they didn't know. They said they'd start me on an antibiotic and I told them I was already taking a Zpak as part of the surrogacy process along with the hormones. So that stumped them. They thought maybe I was reacting to the hormones, but I thought that wasn't right because I've taken the hormones before 6 months ago with no reactions. (My dad thought it was possible, just like the second round of an immunization your body "attacks" because it recognizes it this time.)The last thought they had was pericarditis, which is the lining outside your heart becomes inflamed, which in my case wasn't life threatening because it was mild and I should just take a couple ibuprofen to reduce the inflamation....which I told him I couldn't taken that because it counteracts with the hormones and pregnancy...leaving him to say...well?....you're just going to be irritated for a while then, sorry. lol. 

So I called my fertility clinic to run the whole thing by them and the dr there wasn't worried about the blood count being a complication, we'd check the count again in a week, and proceed anyway. With the one condition that I'd continue taking valium for the next 3 days every 8 hours....oh boy.

Monday came and I felt better. I scared everyone pretty good, though. I took the valium a little earlier before the transfer this time so it wouldn't tickle when they checked my bladder with the ultrasound. It's an interesting drug. You're not loopy, necessarily, but just very relaxed and slow....kind of like Oogway from Kung Fu Panda. Or Flash the Sloth from Zootopia.

Dr came in and showed us a picture of the embryo and it was a lot different this time because it was breaking out of it's shell. So he was very encouraged by that. But I told the IP mom that I was staying neutral until the blood test. Transfer went well and I went home and slept and ate and slept for 3 days. 

Princess day 2 was also Thomas's birthday, and I'd orchestrated with his boss, a neighbor, Grandma Margaret, and Ihop that I was taking him for a breakfast birthday before work....but since I was still on valium...I wasn't allowed to drive. So his boss told him she needed him to swing by Ihop on the way to work for a company breakfast and told "everyone" not to eat that morning before they came. Then I called Ihop the night before and explained my hubby was coming to pick up a fake order for his company and they were happy to play along. I called again when I was lucid enough in the morning to confirm they got the memo from the night before. They hadn't but were happy to play along.

So Thomas left to "pick up the order",  I got my shot for the morning, then immediately my neighbor picked me and the kids up with balloons and Reeses for Thomas and drove to Grandma Margaret's so she could watch my kids (when we got to her place, Ihop called and asked if I was close because Thomas had been there quite a while and they were looking bad for not "having the order ready" yet. Told them we were just around the corner). So my neighbor then drives me to Ihop down the road and Thomas texts me 2 blocks away saying, "I don't think my boss knows it's my birthday, but here I am at Ihop, about to pick up my favorite breakfast, and just thinking, God knows each of us." Me and my neighbor about died laughing, but hey, Thomas wasn't wrong! Heheh. So we get there and I walk in slowly in balloons and Reeses and say," Surprise!!!" I'm the order you're picking up. It was all a hoax to take you to breakfast and your boss and Ihop were in on it." He gave me a surprised, happy hug, called me a turkey, and we had a good time, especially since I was kind of wobbly from the Valium. And walking me to the car with me on his arm, and leftovers and balloons in his other hand was quite entertaining. He says I kept swaying the other way and he had to pull me back and I kept saying I was fine. lol. So back to Gma Margaret's to have her drive us back and off Thomas went to work haha. Then the kids went to a sitter's and I....went to sleep. lol

I finally felt normal by Saturday morning so we did house stuff, then went to the pool, then met up with my brother, Ryan, and his friend and we played in the park and talked. 

Monday my blood count came back and it was just slightly elevated at 11 where normal is 10.3 highest, so it was definitely calming down. Yay :) Normal week and I carried the attitude this transfer that if it took....awesome!....if it didn't...I'd shrug and say, oh well. 

Thursday morning was the blood test and for the first time, my thoughts weren't complying with that mindset. But I told myself there was no use fretting until I had the result. But I was cranky and short because I was secretly nervous...after all..the 1st time didn't work. I texted my coordinator from the Fertility center asking her the favor of sounding upbeat no matter the news. 

She called on my way to Gma Margaret's with the kids and her first question was,"When am I NOT upbeat and perky with you???" We had a good giggle and I said it was true, she always was, but since I'd had a sad tone with the last bad news last transfer and I was sooooooo bummed, I just wanted it upbeat either way, and I quickly said, "So just give it to me straight..." She replied, well you're fine, because it worked. You're pregnant!" ................."Wait....it worked???!" and she said to not sound so surprised. I told her I was because the last time it didn't work! She said my hCg was 171 which was great, and we'd have a follow up next Thursday to see if the levels were rising, then we'd have an ultrasound to in a few weeks to check for a heart beat. My head heard very little of that because it was still stuck on "You're pregnant."  

So I plan to still be chill. But I am 4 weeks and 3 days. We'll see what happens! Fingers crossed!

A day with a Spiritual High

 As I'd mentioned in my recent post about the temple, I was growing weary of the temple being common place for me instead of the sanctuary it's dedicated to be. So I tried to go hungry, spiritually. I had an impression the night before to look for family members that needed work done, specifically baptisms. I found 4 women. Instead of printing them out, I was lazy and decided to take my phone to the temple and have them do it there. First of all, I headed to Mt. Timpanogos temple. The night before I tried to book the appointment. The whole day was "full". I thought that was weird. Backing up. That morning I had text my friend Kirsten about how excited I was for her that her RM son was coming home that day and I wished I could be a fly on the wall because homecomings are so special. She invited me to be there if I could and even thought my recording the event on her phone would be helpful. So I planned to show up around noon...back to the temple...Low and behold, I showed up at Timp and it was closed. So I figured, I'll just try and sneak in at the Provo City Center temple. Sure enough, they were happy to take me because at that moment, it wasn't busy. So after I got my clothing, I pulled out my phone and tried to pull up the number for them to print off, but because it was in the basement of the temple, reception is a little dodgy. Fine by me usually, I hate using my phone at the temple, and usually leave it in the car. After a minute, I got it pulled up, got my names printed, and went and got dressed. A normal, peaceful smile that accompanies when I do baptisms was there. I headed to the chapel and no sooner did I sit down, a worker came in and asked if anyone spoke Spanish. I said I did. They said to come because they needed help translating.

I met an elderly Hermana Gonzalez. I met her on the front desk and began translating. I felt a little nervous because I don't get much chance to use my Spanish much anymore, but fortunately it came back well enough. She told me she had her aunt's name with her and had until a certain time to do what she could before she had to be back outside. I explained it to the front desk people and they were happy to accommodate even without an appointment, and they planned out on her name card what she could do that day. We went together to the clothing issue and got her taken care of, then to the locker room and got her set up.  While she dressed, I went and checked to make sure they had the ordinance card in Spanish so she'd understand.  Close enough :) I walked with her slowly since she had a cane and guided her to the font where they told us to go. The person baptizing her spoke broken Spanish and the person confirming could speak Portuguese. Close enough :) We had her go first, and then I went. I helped put her wet things away so she didn't have to juggle her cane and possibly slip. When she was finally dressed I confirmed the time she needed to be outside and realized I'd misunderstood the time she'd said. We migrated to clothing rental and got her clothes. Then we made our way to the dressing rooms and I explained to the sisters working initiatory that she only spoke Spanish and again, there was a sister that spoke Portuguese. :) Close enough. I check to see if she had time to make a session and it started in 2 minutes...another day :) I went back to her stall and she opened the door and said she thought the shoes might be too small. But I said we could try them and I'd exchange them if need be. She sat down in her changing stall and bent down and put her shoes on. Perfect fit. Not only was she pleasantly surprised, but I held back tears because I felt like the Savior at Peter's feet. I helped her to initiatory and they were ready and waiting for her, once again accommodating with no appointment. I explained it was too short of time to do a session after but she could go to the Celestial room after and bid her goodbye. 

 I still only know her as Hermana Gonzalez, but I walked out on a high. I not only got to perform work for my family but I was needed to help someone else. The Lord used my timing to meet His needs. And then the air port :)

I picked up Tommy and may or may not have broken the sound barrier to get to the air port before the elder arrived, but Tommy and I made it with 10 minutes to spare. He walked through the gate with 3 other missionaries and the wing of the air port terminal erupted with applause and hugs. I got to record on Kirsten's phone, while holding Tommy, and see the hugs, and help take pictures. I told Tommy is he chose to serve a mission one day this is what it'd be like for him. I seemed ok with that that. Their RM son hugged family member after family member and then got to me and looked happy but confused like "I'm sorry I don't remember you, should I?" I explained poorly he didn't know me and not to worry. A simple "I'm in your ward, I'm Dana Sevy, welcome home" would have probably sufficed, but oh well :D

 I left the airport in much less of a hurry but still on a high. It was a good day :)

The Lord uses our timing to make His ends meet. So slow down, and just go with it. :D

"I have CONfidENCE in Me!"

When Maria was assigned to the Von Trapp family, she was not confident in her ability to govern seven children. But she sang up her gumption in the now famous song from Sound of Music. She was clearly nervous when she met the captain but still showed confidence.

 It dawned on me tonight, as a culminating thought after some recent encounters I've had across the spectrum, that confidence is attractive, while insecurity is something we avoid. I'm not talking about pomp. No one likes Gilderoy Lockhart, but everyone loves Dumbledore or Tonks, and the students were wild for Lupin. No one gave a lick for Quirrell though..because he portrayed no confidence...although it was a cover...but that's besides the point.

When we show confidence in ourselves, it's inspiring. We want a confident doctor when we're in need of a diagnosis. We want a confident teacher when we're learning. We love a confident performer. We pay big money to appreciate confidence!

I thought even further that it's a sign of gratitude to our Heavenly Father when we're confident in what He's helped us to create in ourselves. And we are ever grateful for the Savior who showed confidence when before this life said, "Here I Am, send Me." Can you imagine how that scene could have played out differently if Satan was the only one who showed confidence? We would literally we be doomed. But Christ wasn't just wishful in His confidence. He knew who He was, and from Whom He came, and what He was capable of.

Our society would have you believe, and perhaps even our culture in the Latter Day Saints, seems to think that we're not supposed to be proud. So we swing the other direction and self-deprecate.  What good does that do anyone? We can't accept a compliment on an outfit that we purposefully tried to put forth effort into? As moms we almost glorify that leggings/workout/messy hair look. 

I met with an individual this week for work and though they had an impressive repertoire, they admitted they were very insecure, and sadly it showed. But I also daily see another individual that is the most confident parent, confident in their work, in their hobbies, and their calling. And that individual is inspiring to be around and everyone wants to be better because of their influence. And people know they can turn to them for help.

I had an experience last week with face painting that took my confidence from sky high to ground zero, and it had nothing to do with my abilities, but everything to do with my supplies and lack of preparation, which I knew were easily remedied. Funny thing was I went back to the park gigs the next day and everyone said what they always do, "Wow, this set-up is genius. You're so awesome to charge people what they think is fair. Oh you're quick! How cute are these designs!" And the tips put my confidence back where it belongs. But I need to have that confidence always because I know what I do, I'm good at, and it brings joy to people.

So I prayed to Heavenly Father on a drive home tonight to be more confident. And He answered by reminding me that if I have confidence in Christ, then confidence in myself will flow naturally. And He's constantly trying to instill confidence in us through modern prophets. We are beloved children of God with limitless potential, and yet we often fight that notion, like it's noble to do so.

I have some close contacts in my life that are constantly putting themselves down, and to be frank, it's a bit depressing to talk to them. On the other hand, I see confident posts from Colorado friends that are motivational speaker and chiropractor by trade, and though I know they both have some depressing stuff in their life right now, they exude confidence!

So my challenge to me and anyone else reading this, is exude confidence. Start by recognizing the things you are great at. Personally thank God for those things, and help the world be happier. Change your thoughts and you'll change your life. 

Cravings Bistro

 

Cravings Bistro–Ritzy Grilled Cheese Goodness

By Dana Sevy

Cravings Bistro is a combination of rustic barn decor meets hipster, with plenty of space for seating. Located across the street from Ugly’s Closet Thrift shop in downtown Pleasant Grove, their menu has everything from classic grilled cheese to ritzy creations for reasonable prices. 

I was recommended the “sampler” which is actually a “secret” menu item. It’s a finger sandwich of each of their “classics” menu. 

Disclaimer: I’m not a huge grilled cheese fan because it doesn’t fill me up. Short back story: when I was in Europe I wouldn’t try a lot of the food they’re famous for because I thought, “I can make pasta at home, so I don’t want to pay for it.” This left me very hungry in Europe. I felt the same way about paying for an out-to-eat grilled cheese. I’m glad I tried it anyway! 

Here are my favorites from “The Sampler.” The ABC: it stands for Apple, bacon, and cheddar. Sweet and salty combined for a great crunch. I could eat a whole one of those! 

The Gourmet is next. It’s definitely fancy Grilled cheese meets artichoke spinach dip, one of my favorite appetizers. A whole one of these too, please!

The Tomato Pesto is nice and light and full of flavor. I loved the cute little tomato soup that they give you for dipping on the side. It was not your average Campbell’s tomato canned soup. 

I think the combination that surprised me the most was their Swiss Days: ham, pickle, and caramelized onion mayo. It was delish! 

Keep in mind this was just the sampler. They have a plethora of other yummy sounding menu items, but I’m just one gal who’s got to maintain her girlish figure.

Cravings draws people from all over the valley with its cheesy goodness. As I was waiting for my order I got to speak with a few customers. Katera Barlow of Saratoga Springs says,” It’s my favorite place to go. I can’t get enough of the pepperoni melt. You have to be patient because it takes a while, but it’s so worth it.”

Oh, to treat it like the first time...

 I don't remember the first time I went to the temple to do proxy baptisms for the dead. But I do remember showing all the newbies the cool things about the journey in the temple. 

But I'll never forget when I handed my new non-limited use recommend to the guy at the front desk and walked to the other side of the circular desk. It was a whole new world. I am terrible with new situations and I was so nervous I forgot to fully dress in some ways. Nothing visible, but it was remedied either way. I was lead to the chapel where many of my best friends, family, and even some close church leaders that I had invited were waiting for me. I remember going into the my first endowment session. I remember doing a special part with my dad and then later at the veil...getting to walk through...I did it! The Celestial room was so big and sparkly! And it was at night! ( I went another time earlier in the morning to see the rumored rainbow stars reflected on the floor) I was now endowed! I got to wear the holy garment. That was 14 years ago.

I'll be honest. Today my temple attendance looks a little different. Sometimes that's an accurate description. Attendance. Like a concert. But one you go to over and over again. And it has started to loose it's punch. But not through fault of It.

For the last who knows how long..it's become a sort of rut. Not for wanting something different, but just because it's become almost routine. 

I walk through the doors without thinking twice. Though I do notice the beauty..I almost always see someone on their phone beyond the recommend desk. (To be fair, I have no idea what they're looking at on their phone...but still! Just bugs me...takes away from the temple for me.) I walk back to the dressing room, get a locker, get dressed, and then head to one of the ordinances. I like doing the initiatory, sadly to admit, because they can be quick. Don't get me wrong..that can be a blessing...but still. I like to do sealings for in some ways the same reasons. It seems like in both instances sometimes eyes glaze over and mind starts to wonder. I have a hard time now with endowment sessions because I've felt trapped over the years even though I know if I had a real emergency I could leave at any time, no questions asked...just mortal thoughts. Then I hear the same words and I try to pay attention but my mind will wonder. It really used to bug me that I wasn't that person that got to the Celestial room and would sit on one of the couches, and prayerfully sob forever. By the time I was done with the session, I'd been there for an hour plus and had thought of all I needed to. 

The temple in some ways became rote. My troubles didn't 'melt' away. In fact, sometimes, they're all I could think about. I didn't feel overwhelming peace. I didn't feel often like I'd learned anything at all because it's always the same.

I knew that had to change. 

I have close contacts that go to the temple regularly and I always ask them in anticipation, "how was the temple." "Oh, it was fine." Fine? FINE???? The temple is the Lord's house on earth. The most sacred of places....it's not a grocery store. How is the meal afterward more emphasized than the temple????

I decided to read a bit from S. Michael Wilcox's book, House of Glory. Though it's not exactly a "this means this" book, it points out a few things that can elevate the temple from just a place we go to out of habit, to a House of Learning of the Highest form. 

One thought I really liked was if we just go to sit through a session, we're missing the whole idea.

I remember when a close contact of mine went for the first time. I remember the conversations that were had in the Celestial room. They weren't vulgar or anything, but they were mundane and trivial. ??!?!?!? This was supposed to be a special-long awaited, much-anticipated crowning jewel for this individual and the conversations had there didn't belong in that room. (I know I probably sound judgy, but it's how I felt)

I want my experience in the temple to be like when I went with my sister and Aunt Denae, just before or after my mission. I don't remember the session, but I remember the conversation I had with the two of them. We talked about sacred things. It was edifying.

I remember the sessions I went to during my time at the MTC. I always noticed symbols and would excitedly point them out to one of the elders from my district that I'd become good friends with. 

I remember doing sealings with Thomas and his parents when we were dating. We were looking at each other while the sealer performed the proxy ordinance with his parents and it's like we were at our own sealing. They taught me to look each other in the eye because you're standing in for the people that couldn't. 

I learned not to go to the temple tired. Ask me in person for that experience. Needless to say, I don't go when I'm tired.

I remember going to do baptisms after my mission with my Colorado singles ward and one of the guys on the trip wasn't a member yet, but just tagged along. Later, we were dating and I needed to work some things out and I told him I was going to go home for a weekend and go to the temple for some answers. He answered flippantly, whoop-dee-doo...I was shocked...but what could I expect from a guy that wasn't even a member and didn't understand the significance. Turns out when I went to the temple back home that weekend, I ran into a yw camp leader I'd had and she was perfect for helping my understand my situation because she was living it. I had a question, and needed an answer. And I got it! I went with a purpose and the Lord saw that, and obliged. I don't think it needs to be a rare occasion. That's what the temple was created for(apart from the obvious ordinances) but it's a place of revelation if we prepare ourselves for it!

I remember going to the sealing of my mission companion and one of our converts. I remember a cousin that got sealed in the Provo City Center temple and how it was one of the the most profound ceremonies I'd been to, and the lessons were taught about the Atonement, and rebirth, and I knew they were so meaningful for my cousin. There's a whole lot more to that story, but not for here.

The temple is sacred. Dedicated. Not rote- Though the ordinances have to be done perfectly. It's a place of promised blessings. But I'm tried of it sometimes being treated as passe. Temple attendance is not just something you do every week. It's special. The book mentioned earlier says we have to learn how to learn. 

I want to be better at actual worship in the temple. I wish it wasn't just a habitual ritual, like taking a shower, for my close contacts. I want it to be what it was made for. 

I pray for forgiveness of treating it so common in the past(and know He smiles at me and just goes, oh Dana.), and hope it's not common for others. There's unlimited power and knowledge to be gained, if done so with the Spirit, and with thoughtfulness.

So I don't forget...

 February 1st and the days leading up to it were some of the hardest and most anxious of my life. That day I took a blood test that followed more than a dozen pregnancy at-home tests. They all came back the same. Negative.

I don't to this day know why it effected me so badly. I was physically fine. But emotionally, I was flattened. Maybe it was the people I was doing surrogacy for, and how much they were counting on it to work. Maybe it was because I'd felt so good about the choice to become a surrogate, and how I was invested 1000%. Maybe it was because I quit taking IVF injections cold turkey and my brain, which I was told, and I quote, was being controlled mechanically through meds crashed hard core. I felt miserable for 3-5 days. Not physically. Well...I didn't want to eat. Only did out of necessity. But I was heartbroken and the baby wasn't even mine. I blamed the coordinator at the fertility center for not warning me on the phone call about the negative result that I could experience a crash, knowing that when you are prepared to expect something it's not as bad. Guess I should have just assumed it could happen.Then I had got the surprise that the intended parents wanted to try again with me. So we wait until I have a natural cycle, then start the birth control again, then the shots, then another transfer. This time I'll be prepared for both outcomes.

Eventually I bounced back. Although I have to say I had one of the sweetest experiences with Tommy the afternoon I got the test back. I went to pick him up at a friend's house, and when I saw him it dawned on me that I could pick him up again without risking anything physically. I told him I could pick him up again and he lit up and jumped into my arms and just hugged me tight. Both me and my friend teared up.

Fast forward beginning of March. I was on the phone trying get some mortgage numbers worked out all day because I was not aware that your mortgage can fluctuate based on taxes and building costs and blah blah blah. Public Service Announcement...it can. It can also go down though! Things they probably tell you when you buy the house, but there's a gabajillion papers you sign and it's all kind of a blur. But if finances didn't seem tough enough, I got a call from Thomas that he'd been let go. He could either take a job at the same company with less pay(UNderstatement of the century) or the next day would be his last. I was a wreck the next morning. We hardly slept well, then Tommy and he got sick. Called his mom, my mom, and a few other people that we're close to and I began what feels like the biggest test of faith in God I'd ever experienced.

I've only had a crisis of faith once and even then it was more like I had a weird, scary feeling all the sudden about the Gospel, Church, and everything I'd just come off a mission a year before teaching about. My mom got pretty worried when I shared my concerns, which I almost wouldn't validate myself. Turned out I was just a few weeks away from running into Thomas for the first time at school, would begin dating, and shortly thereafter get married. Needless to say, that test in hindsight was one of those moments where something awesome is about to happen and Satan is PAnIcking. So he twisted what he knew I trusted most. 

This time really doesn't make any sense in the grand scheme of things and it's kind of...pathetic is too harsh, but basic, maybe? Thomas losing his job was not something we hadn't gone through. But this time we had a mortgage and a house and neighborhood and ward and city we loved and hadn't been here for more than a year and a half. All the times I'd spent money because we could haunted me and I thought why didn't I save instead so we wouldn't be in this mess? How could I have been so foolish?

Then to make matters even heavier, I asked my boss with blankets if I could take a week off because I was burnt out...(and had been for the last few months, but we "relied" on my job too. She said with regret that she had to let me go. I told her I wasn't surprised, and she was very apologetic because she knows I'm a hard worker, but it was time and we both knew it. 

To make this already long story shorter, bills started piling up. 

But it would be unfair if I didn't mention the tender mercies. We received help from family for food. We got an anonymous letter in the mail that I almost threw away because it looked like a "we want to buy your house for cash" nonsense. But Thomas opened it and it had a single sentence typed. "It's not much, but I hope it helps a little." Inside that was a $100 bill. I cried a little. My mom cried a little. Thomas's mom cried a little. Then we received $100 venmoed from our neighborhood helper that remained anonymous....I vowed to God that if He got us out of this and ever blessed us with prosperity that I would pay it forward 1000 fold. I got to teach my kids the value and blessing of the Bishop's Storehouse. 

The next weeks were the scariest and hardest of my life. I found some odd jobs that have unique stories of their own. It was emotionally draining. Spiritually draining. I prayed harder than I had in my life. And sadly, I never felt more alone, more unheard...sadly...more unbelieving.

Really? I was going to loose my faith over a job loss? It wasn't a serious illness, or death of a loved one, or some identity crisis....though to some extent I have empathy for those in that boat....that's for another story. But I asked some close friends from BYU days why was I flattened so hard with the transfer not taking? Why was this job loss so hard of a blow? Why could I not feel peace and hope that this would work out? Especially when the blessing I received the night Thomas got let go said God was completely aware of our situation. And Thoma's blessing said to be patient twice? Why did my anxiety take over so badly this time? I still don't know. But I read a few days ago about a woman who felt God was silent during one point in her life, and she realized she had turned God into a formulaic God, not a faithful God. He was a spiritual vending machine that if you put in your blessing tokens, you could order the blessings you desired and they'd be delivered with a pretty bow on 2-day free delivery from Amazon. That's not how He operates, no matter how faithful we are. 

I was compared to Peter walking on the water. I wasn't wavering yet, but the storm was raging around me and below me, but I wasn't sinking yet. I was reaching for the Savior. I'd also thought back to Harry Potter and the patronus charm. You cast out the darkest, scariest evil you can face by thinking of your happiest memory and letting it fill you completely...then a cute animal of light(mine would be a red panda) blasts out of your wand and chases the darkness away. Gospel works the same way. Fill your soul, mind, body, with Christ and He casts out fear. I was also like the father with the demonic son who said, Lord I believe. Help thou mine unbelief.

After several interviews, crazy calls from wacko companies, and lots of not interesteds Thomas got a phone interview with a company in Provo for the same line of work he'd been doing and learned he really enjoyed. They called him back a few days later to set up an in-person interview for a few weeks later. ThOSE weeks were the hardest...the anticipation and fear of what happens if this falls through? The interview came the week after General Conference and so many messages were on how to feel peace and comfort...and let go of anger. Thomas went, felt confident and peaceful. And all I could do was wait. 

One night this last week I shared my feelings of shame with Thomas about how I had been on the verge of a faith crisis and couldn't understand why. He pointed out that up until recently I'd been in control and could take care of things. I wasn't anymore and I had to ask myself, had I ever truly relied on God? Silly question, because I knew I had, but this made me re calibrate where my faith really rested. And I had to trust.

April 6th. I was out with the kids on spring break running errands and one was getting sandbags for some neighbors in case of flooding from possible snow melting too fast. I was away from my phone for about 10 minutes. Those 10 minutes Thomas called...then he texted...then he messaged me on facebook telling me to pick up. lol. I got back in the car after loading the bags and he got through to me..."I got the job...!!!!"

I cried, I shouted for joy...I finally told Lucy what had been going on for the last few weeks. I called family and told friends we saw in person. The nightmare was over. 

 I woke up the next morning and didn't feel sick to my stomach. The weather was the first real day with blue skies and sunshine in months. We had been delivered. I was now wiser. I had a witness after the trial of my faith. 

Thomas starts in a week or so allowing his other job to tie up loose ends. The weather is warming up enough I can go to the park and face paint which will also help. Spring break was actually a lot of fun with the kids just staying local.

One of the nicest blessings was since I wasn't breaking my back over blankets, I felt like giving more attention to my kids, and for probably the first time, I felt like being a good mom, and gave my kids more attention.

The other glimpse I caught from this experience was the truth they teach that when we're done with this life, we'll look back and go, oh was that it? That wasn't so bad. I felt that with this experience.

The irony about all this was I'd always wondered why I wasn't one of those people that go to the celestial room in the temple and just weep...well I did that last week...I don't want to be that person anymore. I'd heard that people come closer to God through trials than they do in any other way, and I wondered what that looked like....I don't need to know what that looks like anymore. Be careful what you pray for!

God is aware of our situations. In the end, He's all that I can rely on.

So, I got pregnant yesterday and now I'm a Princess.

 The long awaited day arrived. ****Discretion is advised, a little tmi ahead.****

Kids were at play dates or school, I went and hung out with my grandma Margaret for the hour before meeting up with Thomas and the intended parents for lunch. I was honestly more nervous about that part than the procedure because I wasn't sure what to say to them. But it turned out just fine.

Silly hormones. I saw them in the parking lot and got a little teary-eyed and then like Mei Mei in Turning Red I pulled myself together so when they walked in the door I was fine. Haha although when they did walk through the door I kept my back to them cuz I was silly and nervous...a normal response would have been to greet them...which I did about 30 seconds later. Lunch was fun and we got to talk about a lot of things including kids, history, and possibility of another after this if all goes well.

The center told me pre-op that I needed to have a partially full bladder..how do you measure that? So I drank a full lemonade. When I got there I popped the Valium pill they prescribed me and like Jane in Marry Poppins asked, "Is something supposed to happen?" because I thought it was going to make me high as a hippie. Fortunately, it stuck to it's word and just relaxed me. Good thing too cuz when I was getting the bladder ultrasound, the tech had to push on my stomach and I full fledge Pillsbury dough boy cuz I'm ticklish. She did manage to get a good enough picture to know my bladder wasn't full enough. So I drank 2 mini water bottles and water logged myself. I got to sit and chat with the mom which was nice. Her hubby ran my hubby up to the house to drop off his car so we'd just have mine to drive him after. 

Dr. came in alone with Thomas and the ultrasound tech checked my bladder again and noticed I wasn't ticklish anymore, so the Valium was working. Haha didn't even notice. I was totally conscious but didn't feel the gliding of the wand on my stomach. Everyone should take Valium every once in a while. It's good stuff!

To be honest it's the most public but discreet impregnation there is. I was covered from the view of Thomas and the mom, but the dr and the three nurses could see everything.

The process itself was pretty cool. Since all I saw was an ultrasound picture, they showed a circle with a pencil dot and said," That's the embryo."    .       <----   That's as big as it was yesterday. Maybe it's this big (    ..) today haha.So He used a snake like wand to grab it like a slurp motion, then on the ultrasound screen I saw my uterus which was just a bunch of greyish white. Then there was the skinny tube with the embryo on the end that snakes from the left bottom, up, then took a right turn and Blip. Implantation! Didn't hurt or feel a thing. Again..valium, baby!...well, eventually haha.

Got dressed, drove home, and apart from eating or showering...I'm now on Princess duty.

Princess days last Tuesday(today) and Wednesday. I basically lounge around and chill so that the embryo takes. So here I lay in bed with my crown on, chilling. Wish me sticky thoughts!